workin:

sooo slow. making nothing today. lol NOTHING!
so sad i can't make it out see DELTA!BRAVO tonight at the hawthorne :(
anyways listening to the format. soooo nice.
you should listen to them too so we have something in common to talk about.
left my smokes at home. yahh i always try to remember to forget stuff.
drank a venti (LARGE, Haha) coffee
gonna be wired soon. it's gonna be great!
it's so nice out. and i always jinx myself.

end.

♥ Bianca Jay

Life is short: We are reminded not to take ourselves too seriously. Some days we can just take a step to the side and let go laughing.

It's not quite the same as when i do it. It's who i'd like to be though. But hey, i'm on my way.

so today i basically slept all day. idk when i sleep in sometimes i feel guilty. like i could be out and helping clean or be doing something productive with my time like looking for a second job or information on school or taking my dog for a walk or something, anything. but no, i just lay in bed. it's stupid to feel guilty i mean it's my life. but then i think what am i really giving up to sleep? idk. maybe nothing to be honest. nothing grand ever really happends to me anyways. i just kinda swing life away. i guess it's my fault though. everything that has never happened to me was and is my fault. because i didn't take the time to go out and get it. sometimes i really think i'm all talk. i dream about these things that i want so bad, i talk about these things, i write everything down but NEVER do i actually do it. it's honestly really pathetic. also, i think i'm getting back in that 'i just wanna be alone for now' stage. i honestly thought i was through with that part of my life. i have an idea why i'm starting to become this way again, and again i can't blame nobody but me. because i'm not really doing anything about it, really. hopefully that changes soon.
Life is a stage on which we all play. The world is a symphony of sarcastic lust. I'd like to be a part of the global game but I'm left behind in the dust..

Danny

click on my bunny.

Random Update [TRES]

i knew who i was, i know who i am and who i will be.
because i've been changing, are you still waiting on me??i want to move to England, preferably London area. one day my life will be jet set. i wanna have a place in LA. i force myself to stay up all night so i'm way tired all day. i'm a weirdo. my train is always moving, though i'm sitting completely still. i like learning new words and rubbing them in your face. i google everything. when i turn 21 i'm gonna try my very hardest to get x'd out of every bar! i'm happy with living, but not about life. i'm a fully different person now then i was a year or so ago. the girl back then was a fucking swinebag and you will never see her again :) and i can say with the uppermost confidence that i will continue to change. think that it's me or it's not me, i don't even care. because i'm starting to find new things very intriguing.
i'm proper brutal..take it or get the fuck out..

"You didn't want to save me...

You set our house on fire to watch it burn. How could you just leave me?You broke my heart. You promised me the moon and stars. I fell for your dreams, i fell for your lies. There was no other way, because you know i tried. And i knew you could never love me. I had so much sorrow inside that you could never reach. But can i still keep a place in your heart?"

i developed a broad view on things tonight. i'm thrilled that i'm starting to find new baggage and becoming very intoxicated by them. i once thought to myself that i missed the old bianca and that i wanted to find myself again. so when i started working on that i realized that 'myself' was gone, and i was uninterested in her. i grew up. taking that in, i became super happy. i'm content because i'm in that beginning stage of actually moving on with my life. i'm driven now and i'm noticing that there is hope for once. i have sooo much to look forward too. it's obvious that i'm gonna break a sweat doing it all, especially at once, but im sooo fucking ready. nothing can stop me but devine intervention so bring it skanks...

"This union, a battle fought and lost. This union was not about the cause. This union was never about love."

Suuuuch a goood song :D

:)))

hola everyone! it's currently 1:35 AM and i'm getting ready to go to bed soon. my mom and i are waking up at 6 to go run some errends for her work, then were gonna go for walk. i miss waking up at 7 to go running. early in the morning is like the best time to be outside. it's so quiet. and it's not like a creepy eery quiet. it's peaceful. the birds are just starting to chirp and the cold air mixed with the orange sun..just instantly melts all your cares away. haha.
anyways so i told my mom that danny and i are planning to go LA for tour. and she asked if she could come with us. lol i laughed. but i think it would be fun for my mom to come with. i mean she'll be hanging out with stephanie lefluer the whole time, while danny and i are rockin out. personally i'm just super psyched to meet a bunch of cool new people. idk we'll see. hopefully everything just goes as planned :/
anyways time for bed. sweet dreams.:)

All this is getting waaay to fucking mental.

Sign the Pledge Against Animal Testing Would it make a difference...
Because of all the fucking wankers in slaughter factories, animals in houses are born and raised to be killed. They feel torture, loneliness, sadness, and helplessness; but thats all they know. It's sick to think about. We spend our days wanting to live and are afraid of death, but so do they. Just because they don't have a voice, it doesn't make them inferior. Imagine if that were you? Alone and scared with no where to turn to, and left to die in pain. It's proper hell. Why should it be so different to turn on the news and think it's crazy and foul when we hear people being brutally murdered but turn away when there are innocent animals out there in the same situation?! Will it make you think differently knowing that animals are being masacured at the same moment you're selfishly scarfing down that hamburger? It's mental.check out this website:http://www.peta2.com/p2vsk2_flash/


Pledge to go fur-free at PETA.org.

Random Update [DOS]

i smoke cigarettes and drink way too much coffee. i'm selfish, shallow, and way to into myself...i'm basically a sexy piece of ass :) i'm brutal and i cuss a lot. i live anywhere in washington/oregon. nice weather turns me on! i only surround myself with people i like/love. i change my mind and mood 2983201 times a day so i'm never satisfied. there is always something/someone else i'd rather have. i'm always fucking forgetting something, it's annoying. i'm into a lot of things but rarely ever do them. 100%hypochondriac. i'm way to complex for my own good.

at work.

so i saw some really hot guys at the mall today. haha i was starting to really doubt Vancouver. maaan. my hopes were really starting to fade. i'm glad that's burning again.
but anyway danny and i have decided to go to warped tour 09 in portland and LA. were soooo stoked. the dates are august 16th and august 23rd. were driving down to la so i'm gonna have to take that weekend off and maybe some other days off, considering it's summer and i'll possibly be getting new hours. but either way i'm way too over excited about this!! it's basically gonna be a bottle of laughs.
i'm at work right now and i forgot how saturdays can get!! fucking little kids. why don't they listen.

anyways my friends here. gotta goooooo

hmm...i'm tired.

i should quit my lollygagging and start gettng ready for work, eh..
so i came to a decision last night. and danny knows what i'm talking about. but i just looked at this certain situation in a different perspective. i'm happy with my conclusion and it's only a matter of time when i'll be very, VERY HAPPY. nothing more.

You made it so very clear, but i'm still standing here.

You locked your door and boarded up your windows and i didn’t know where to go. You’re hatred is starting to take it’s toll and i’m out in the cold, please just take me back home.

Baby look in my eyes. Are you aware of my lies?

My body in disguise..How can i sleep at night when all we do is fight.You’ll eventually catch on. It’s only a matter of time when you’re no longer mine because of this poison i hide behind. So it all becomes nothing in the end…And everyone can point fingers at me once again.

I'm so far gone now, I've been running on empty. Do you wanna take me on?

APRIL. why is it not my month?
why do people ask me tons of questions when they know i don't wanna talk?
why don't people just leave me alone when i want them too? but when i need them the most, no ones around...
why can't i figure out what's wrong with me right now? why can't i motivate myself anymore? why do i push myself to do the things i don't wanna do but can never initiate the things i want so much?

i'm totally thinking about so many things right now. i'm moving out of my moms house tomorrow and moving in with danny. then in july or august were moving out with randall and maybe jr.
i'm totally at a cross roads, thinking of going back to school or getting a second job. i'm basically broke and with moving out i would need a second job. but if i don't go back to school i'll never motivate myself again to get my fucking deploma. hmm..
then this faggot who asked me for my number called me fat and a slut and a whore. then, the next day, he has the fucking audacity to walk by my work with his friend and laugh. i thought that was fucking tight and now i'm just the most confident women ever!! he's basically lucky that i was working and i didn't have a 9 inch crow bar on hand. because i would have brutally murdered him in front of everyone and cut out his friends stupid smile and gave their mothers the address to where i dumped their piece of shit bodies...so basically i've been a walking talking bitch because he fucking pist me off. yeah, i know he's a worthless scumbag and i shouldn't mind his critism, but i'm only human. i do have a big ego, and yes, it does bruise easily. idk. that was just the shitty topping on my shitty month.

we just got back from long beach. it was a nice little getaway. :)

we spent the majority of the time lounging and trying to scare ourselves. which didn't work out to well because i supposedly have a sick sense of humor and just laugh at everything gory. haha. but we did come to the conlusion that danny's beach house is haunted. i woke up from a weird dream tuesday morning. i drempt i woke up and walked around the bed, sat down and was looking in the mirror next to the bed. i had super long eyelashes and i kept looking at them. and then i realized that the person i was staring at was not me. then i woke up. it was a short and strange dream.

i went into the living room and danny told me that her and randall heard knocking on the window. and when she went to go check, the knocking stopped and no one was there.
then randall had a dream that he was sleeping then all of a sudden he was being flung around the room. hahah super creepy. his dream reminds me of some freddy crueger shit.
idk. maybe someone died in the asylum at the end of the road and that person now haunts her place. and that's who was tapping on her kitchen window. haha. that would be some shit. way creepy though. lol
anyway when we drove right into town we saw bucky, which was way crazy. lol him and blair where there for 420. they were gonna come to the beach house and we were all gonna have a little party but they ended up leaving. oh well.
but now i'm back and i'm super excited about some things :)
i have to put my clothes in the dryer. i'll write more when i collect all my thoughts.

lets deconstruct this place i'll rip every smile from every face all your insecurities, i can make you feel like such a disgrace.

proper brutal

best friends forever

ashley: best friends help you hide bodies right?

bianca: pick me! i'll do it! what happened?

ashley: this girl better watch her neck...

bianca: i'll stab her in the jugular with a sharp object if you want me too.

ashley: i would appreciate that. i asked you because i know that you don't mess around and you go straight for the throat.

bianca: i know because i mean you can stab someone in the back but there is a chance of just paralizing them for life but if you go for the throat your more likely to get er done you know?!

ashley: LOL so very true.

scared? yahh, well you should be.

sometimes i wonder why i'm still waiting
sometimes i'm shaking that's how you make me
sometimes i question why i'm still here
sometimes i think i'm going crazy
can you help me understand?
and now you wish that you meant something
and now you wish that you meant something to somebody else
and now you wish that you met someone
and now you wish that you meant something to somebody else

i'm so over love and trying to find it in all the wrong places and chasing after it like a lost puppy. it's time for me to turn these tables. i'm tired of having soooo much effing hope and being shot down time and time again. i'm tired of waiting forever. i'm tired.
i'm tired of being patient. i'm tired of feeling lonely. i'm tired of feeling like shit for thinking it's my fault. and constantly thinking that it's me who's doing something wrong. in the end it probably is. who cares.

and i'm the one that should mean something

but still you wish that you meant something to somebody else

Random Update [UNO]

recent and random facts:

hola :) i'm 19. i'll be 20 in four months. kinda dreading it..we'll see. i was born in california, but i live in washington. i live sober. i love God my family and friends. i love music and shows and meeting new people. i like long drives. i'm very spontaneous but i'm afraid of unfamiliar things. i'm very bad at taking compliments. oops. i'm the one that will try and pay for anything if you'll let me. i don't like when people buy my things. i've realized that money isn't everything and it just comes and goes. i'm a bad flirt. i'm shy and i have no game. i'll basically ignore you if i think you're cute. odd. :( so you may have to be the initiator. sometimes a lot of people don't get my sense of humor and take me for an asshole. :/ so don't take me serious, but don't take me for a fool either. i can get overpassionate about stuff that really does not matter. haha. i'm currently learning to let things go, giving people time and chances, and taking chances. i'm learning things never go according to my plans so i'm trying to have a more 'come as it may' attitude. my past holds a lot of mistakes but i've seriously come a long way. i love my life♥ i'm happy. i like happy people, i like positive people, and just people in general.♥ God put us all together on this earth for a reason..think about that for a minute...i laugh a lot, and when i'm not i'll pick something small and random to laugh about. shh..just go with it :) i'm not gonna dance around it, i randomly get pretty dark and pretty brutal. i'll pick fights just because i'm bored. but if you can handle my sporadic mood swings we gon be juss fine. ha. if you piss me off, and try to turn around and be my friend; just go ahead and turn back around because you're only embarrasing yourself. i will end up deconstructing the place, rip that silly smile from your face. point out all your insecurities and make you feel like such a disgrace. k thanks. irony was my middle name..that's all fading now...i'm really missing it actually. feel free to come back anytime. sometimes i think no one will ever see things the way i do, and no one will try. prove to me i'm wrong :) i work at glow golf :D it's fun. come see me sometime, yeah?

it's almost 5 in the morning and i have no reason to sleep. i don't work today. it's easter :) and i'm not tired. i'm still sick. typical. my throat is burning up. not cool. it's getting really annoying. i've been getting a lot of headaches latley and that's annoying too. i'm 100% sure the guy i like doesn't like me back. the world is cruel. i'm being totally pessimistic but i'm only human.

Happy.

"to let go isn’t to forget, not think about, or ignore. it doesn’t have any feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. letting go isn’t winning or losing. it’s not about obsessing or dwelling on the past. it isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat.to let go is to cherish memories but to overcome them and move on.letting go is accepting. letting go is having the courage to accept change.letting go is growing up."

pulling you in, spinning you 'round, lifting your feet right off the ground, you can't believe it's happening now. don't let nobody tell you, your life is over, be every color that you are, into the rush now, you don't have to know how, know it all before you try.

this part of my life is called Finding Myself. starting now, i'm figuring out ways to get back to how i used to be. it's not gonna be easy but i know i can do it. in a lot of ways i've improved from the negatives aspects in my life. :) i've come such a long way though. i was honestly at the very bottem of my rope. the only two options were to either let go of that rope or struggle and climb back up. i chose to climb. yes, it did kick my ass, and yes i did slip a few times. but i held on no matter how bad it hurt.

i'm not at the point anymore to where i actually think about death and plan and contemplate my own suicide. it was very scary time in my life. i've come to the conclusion that i wanna live. it's like i told shasta the other night when i was helping her out with some stuff.... i think the only reason why i don't wanna kill myself anymore is because i've finally realized that if i did i'll go to hell for giving up so easily. so i've come to the conclusion that no matter what hell i'm going through on earth that it sure as hell beats being down in hell. (no pun intended) lol i would much rather be kicking it with jesus :) and it's not to late to find god again. he knows were only human, and he knows that the devil tries to attack us any chance he can get. but maybe just start slow. maybe try praying every night :) i mean just talking to him on a daily basis and praying in itself pleases god. i know it's gonna take time and i will still never be perfect no matter how hard i try. admitting to myself now that i will more then likely have more slip ups makes it a lot easier to forgive myself and to not be so hard on myself, which i am 99.9% of the time. but seriously i'm glad i found him again. he saved me and for that i am eternally grateful.

There's a class for this....

i feel like since (chris) i'm not the same. he broke me and left me to pick up all the pieces. i just wanna be the old bianca again. i mean i know for a fact i'm over him. seriously like he is not what i want or did want in a relationship or a boyfriend in general. i've realized that. i just can't remember what i was like before him. i'm trying to focus on what i'm wanting in my life and what i don't. it's my first goal. finding myself. making plan b's are not an option anymore. i need to stop setting my self up for failure, and actually give myself chances and others chances to prove themselves. it's understandable why i haven't in the past. i know what's it's like lose something. but who doesn't. i guess it's just what you learn from it. i was always trying to protect myself, but in the bigger picture i was actually losing myself. i became a crab, and was my own worst critic. i don't want that for myself anymore. i mean c'mon i'm only 19. there is so much more then that....
i've become what my mother wouldn't want in a son. and i have done a few things i regret. but practice makes perfect, practice makes perfect sense to me.♥

grammatically speaking you're adorable and from what i hear you're quite affordable. but i like them pricey. so exaggerate and trick me. pretty please, just trick me. pretty please.
my bf, who knows me better then i know myself, told me that i give up so fast; that it takes more then one try. my emotions went from amazement to sadness to anger to confusion to happiness. at first i was kinda like wow. i can't believe she actually said that! lol usually i'm the brutally honest one. but then i realized that she was right so i got a little upset because it was all my fault. then it turned to anger because i was like wtf how could i just give up so fast?! i started developing regrets. i hate having regrets. then i thought it can't just be 100% my fault! i'm not the one to blame in all of my past! then i was confused about everything..my thoughts were disorganized..and i began arguing with myself again! sounds a bit creepy, but i do that a lot. sorry. after all the bantering back and forth settled down i was like oh my goshh whoooo cares. then i started laughing and my mind became lighthearted again. haha.yahhh. i'm weird. i'll admit.
soo..when it comes to liking this new guy. it's like i'm using reverse psychology on my self. i'll sit there and joke about it like it's nothing. but in reality i care sooo much. almost to much. it's like when i want things to work out so bad it eventually ends up becoming absolute nothing. but i can't sit here and blame no body else. everything in my life that never worked out had been my fault. not just in relationships, but in everything. i have no problem admitting that to myself now, because it's true. and i'm trying to be as completely honest with my self as much as possible from hear on out.
idk i guess i've just finally learned what i want in a relationship and what i don't. and that in itself makes me happy. :) if this is confusing...ummm..sorry.
i'll turn on a dime, and spin you around. so you can shine, shine right now. we'll even have a crowd. we'll make this purchase count.

And you never would have thought in the end...

..how amazing it feels just to live again.
it's a feeling that you cannot miss.
it burns a hole through everyone that feels it.

john oh., ashley and i in seattle.

Garrett would rather eat a donut....lol

ashley, kennedy and i in portland

cupcake lovers :)

haggard asses

he was pissed, and i was muffed up.

i love when best friends fly 1523094 miles to see see me in california.

movie night :)

bill n ted's

marky market

dtc=RIP :(

my dead body in the back. creeps.

if you really knew what went on at Glow Golf. lol
jk, kinda.

last day at work

ha.

skipping. 11th grade. taken by codey ulsh.

irony, at freddies.

she's like...

and i'm like..hella boss

i know she's like socially retarded and weird, but she's my best friend.

basically.

dear hanna

I'll be the first to admit. I'm complex.

yesterday was good. :) i realized that i'm sooo happy to be home. it's where i belong i believe. i mean don't get me wrong i wanna travel the whole effing world, but i think in my heart washington will always be my number one!!
anyway i'm still sick. typical. i woke up at like 12. sleeping in never felt so good. i looked out my bay window and it was so sunny, it instantly made me happy; and being sick didn't matter anymore. i ate leftover pizza and it was even better then the day i got it. wierd. :/
i started getting ready for work immediately for some reason. good thing because my mom had to drop me off early. i was only like 30 minutes early which wasn't too bad. i was working alone. i honestly thought i wouldn't remember how to open or close or how to even turn on the lights or work the register, but it just all came back to me. that felt nice. it feels good to be working back at glow golf. even it is only for two weeks. lol i love it there, and the people i work with are incredible. jenn miller, david, ashley. i love you guys!!
anyway i read some of new moon. it's soo good, i'm loving it :D! i'm kinda disapointed that i know the main points of the book, thanks to shasta because she's a craze. but i'm still excited to be reading it anyways. my heart was beating so fast when edward was breaking up with bella :( the whole time i was like 'noooooooo!' ugh.
i got goosebumps for the first time in forever. all because i thought about a boy and our irony. i NEVER get goosebumps. even if i'm scared! only when i'm cold do i get them. it's cuhh razee.
anyways danny is snoring. i got her sick. haha. i love how i think that's funny. lol
it's 2 o'clock in the morning and i'm listening to the used. i'm tight.
i'm off tomorrow and i hope it stays sunny forever.
well not forever but you know...

Wake up my love. Never thought you'd make me, break me. Now I'm up from below, such a brilliant star you are.

Answer me this:
Why am i attracted to guys that look like straight up bad boys but want a guy that will treat me like a princess…Damn. I seriously want my cake and wanna eat it too, so if this is you call me. HaHa.

This whole routine is getting old. So am I and so are you.

wow. i should be sleeping. i have to wake up in about four hours for work. i can't believe i'm gonna be back at glow golf for two weeks while jenn is gone to arizona :) i'm super psyched about that. haha the next two weeks should be pretty freakin amazing.

i still have yet to fill out my apps i got from the mall like a week ago though. i'm sucha slacker. i always hate filling out applications. i feel like i'm back in school taking finals or something. i always feel like i'm gonna write my name wrong or say something dumb on them and then i won't be able to erase it because i have to use a pen. :/so then my anxiety kicks in and then i'm just like screw it i'll do it later, and then i NEVER get round to it. ugh. i'm wierd.
yesterday was sucha good day. although i woke up feeling crappy with a sore throat and all i didn't let it bring me down because it was soooo nice out :) i helped my mom clean her room a bit and went all the way to dannys to grab my straightener for her so she can look pretty. went back to my house to drop it off then went to safeway to buy some detergent for her so she can wash her clothes, then went to burgerville to grab some lunch. lol we were constantly going back and forth, i sware we passed by the skate park a bazillion times. lol but she was having a guy come over that she met online. haha. every guy she's went on a date with was either a pervert or a hobo. my mom is crazy. lol but i have faith that God will send the right guy for her along soon.
anyway then danny and i basically drove around aimlessly for most of the day. lol i ate so much crap it was retarded. we saw like 120938145 motorcycles and it was litterally freaking me out! seriously. not cool. i was to the point where i just wanted a burrito to throw at one of them. what do you love?

we baught the new red jumpsuit cd. it's uhh may zing! :)

anyway.....i just ate a yogurt and now i'm staring at the empty cup because it's all gone and it's making me kinda sad. just kinda though.


i'm not gonna dance around it, i'm super excited for today. i just saw that my mom baught sushi and i'm seriously gonna have sushi for lunch. it's gonna be great. and i'm starting new moon also :) wooh. haha i get excited about the smallest things it's redic.
danny and i are going to the roseland on monday to see if they are hiring. man. working there would be so effin legit. man.man.man.man.man. sldjfjasdkjf;lkajsld;jasd. i can't believe my life right now :) i'm happy.

Something tells me that this is going to make sense. Something tells me it’s going to take patience.

Something tells me that this will all work out in the end. I’m still waiting for You to be the one I’m waiting for.

do you ever get that gut feeling that someone will be good for you and you'll be happy together, but know that you will NEVER actually be together, but you keep holding on anyways??! it's like when i think of him, i have to gather my thoughts and take a breath. i mean i'm almost to the point where i wanna throw up everywhere i go because a thought of him pops up and i'm like c'mon really!!?? like seriously i was talking to my friend danielle the other night and i was honestly thinking that maybe somehow, someway life could all just be a dream. like if in reality i'm still four years old and i'm just dreaming everything up! i remember waking up one morning when i was four and no body being home. i started crying and i had my bear in one hand and my blanket in the other. and then i remember just falling back asleep thinking that if i just go to bed and dream i won't have to deal with reality and being alone. i mean who thinks that at four freakin years old! seriously. but now that i think about it...what if when i went back to sleep, that was the begining of my life, my dream. because somedays i'm just like 'wow this is honestly too good to be true so this has to be a dream!' and then somedays things are going nowhere fast and i almost wish it was a dream. life is trippy. sometimes when i'm driving around or enjoying a car ride with danny i look out my window at the world and the people in it. and i think dang. i will never go in that store or that hotel because i have no reason too, or i will never meet that person. and the next month i'm in that store buying chocoloate or in that hotel at a party or something. really though it's happened to me before, more then once, and i just laugh to myself. but meeting people i thought i would never meet is a different story. i've looked at a stranger and thought to myself i will never know what that person is like. all their subtleties. it's crazy how maybe a year from now or an hour from now i will meet them. because this world, or this dream, is just that. small. idk though. in a way it gives me hope. because if me and him are ment to be God will eventually make it happen. hmm /: i feel like my thoughts are scattered here and over there, in between and everywhere and i need to walk around and pick up the pieces. ha. so the question is..if i am dreaming...then how can i control it? and if i'm just freaking out and this really is my life then i need to figure out a way to be more lucid.