pulling you in, spinning you 'round, lifting your feet right off the ground, you can't believe it's happening now. don't let nobody tell you, your life is over, be every color that you are, into the rush now, you don't have to know how, know it all before you try.

this part of my life is called Finding Myself. starting now, i'm figuring out ways to get back to how i used to be. it's not gonna be easy but i know i can do it. in a lot of ways i've improved from the negatives aspects in my life. :) i've come such a long way though. i was honestly at the very bottem of my rope. the only two options were to either let go of that rope or struggle and climb back up. i chose to climb. yes, it did kick my ass, and yes i did slip a few times. but i held on no matter how bad it hurt.

i'm not at the point anymore to where i actually think about death and plan and contemplate my own suicide. it was very scary time in my life. i've come to the conclusion that i wanna live. it's like i told shasta the other night when i was helping her out with some stuff.... i think the only reason why i don't wanna kill myself anymore is because i've finally realized that if i did i'll go to hell for giving up so easily. so i've come to the conclusion that no matter what hell i'm going through on earth that it sure as hell beats being down in hell. (no pun intended) lol i would much rather be kicking it with jesus :) and it's not to late to find god again. he knows were only human, and he knows that the devil tries to attack us any chance he can get. but maybe just start slow. maybe try praying every night :) i mean just talking to him on a daily basis and praying in itself pleases god. i know it's gonna take time and i will still never be perfect no matter how hard i try. admitting to myself now that i will more then likely have more slip ups makes it a lot easier to forgive myself and to not be so hard on myself, which i am 99.9% of the time. but seriously i'm glad i found him again. he saved me and for that i am eternally grateful.