Dear Dad,

It seems that when the storm has just passed and i'm all worn out you know when to call and cheer me up. It's like you read my blogs, see between the lines of all of them, and figure out all my deepest darkest secrets. but i know you don't read them, you're just my father, and you just know!! you know exactly what to say and when to say it. i guess that's why i always sound so upset with you on the phone. i'm trying to choke back tears that wanna come out so badly. but i can't let you hear me hurt. that's the worst for you. if you could you would take away all my pain, sadness, fears, and my stupid reasons to be upset and place them on your back. and that's what amazes me. it's like when i feel no one else is there and no one else cares, even my closest friends, i'm fine because you care. i know for a fact that you and God will always be there for me. Right now i'm not even close to figuring out what's wrong with me. Even though i keep saying that i need to get over myself, and try to stay positive and take a step forward, somehow i always fuck things up and take two steps back. It's strange how i can be everyone elses lifeboat and stay positive for everyone else while they are out over analizing stupid shit, but i'm letting myself drown in my own life. i feel like one of those people in the movies just sitting still while the whole world is passing by so fast. it's scary and i don't know how to make it stop. . I need to quit complaining because when i look at the bigger picture, i have so much to be grateful for. But sometimes i need a slap in the face to wake me the fuck and realize that. i guess my train will never stop until i want it too, because when i really think about it i'm being really pathetic and lazy.

I’m juggling between chaos and simplicity; between right and oh so wrong. I’m a lost girl, yeah I’m a lost girl.

I'm losing myself.

slowly but surely. i need to find what makes ME happy. i need to get over myself and forget what the world thinks. what YOU think. i keep telling people i don't care about criticism but secretly it eats away at me. i wish that i can finally find my happy place, then maybe my anxiety might go away. idk. i feel once i think of something for myself, every one else takes it away from me. people need to find there own piece of mind and stay the hell away from mine.

I'm losing myself.

Slowly but surely. I need to find what makes ME happy. I need to get over myself and forget what the world thinks. what YOU think. I keep telling people i don't care about criticism but secretly it eats away at me. I wish that I can finally find my happy place, then maybe my anxiety might go away. Idk. I feel once I think of something for myself, every one else takes it away from me. People need to find there own piece of mind and stay the hell away from mine.

Secret #1488.)

Sometimes I wish I had something to call my own. I feel like you take that away from me. Learn to be your own person.

I feel like i'm suppose to be doing something right now. I hate that feeling.

I don’t think anyone has ever really truly been in love. I think at first you fall in lust. This is when the butterflies won’t go away, your mysterious and shy, the sex is okay, and for a moment you feel infinite. And then BAM! You fall on your face. This is when the bickering back and forth begins, where the little snarly comments aren’t necessary and you’re wondering if it’s even worth it. Then you finally break up, you’re proud at first and then it’s all comes crashing downhill and it all becomes too devastating and in some retarded way you still want that ridiculous roller coaster of a relationship back. It’s like people like to be hurt. I’ve never once been in “love” nor have i ever known two people who were truly in love. Except in fairy tail books and movies.

i’m on the fence with this.

going back to my old ways seem so easy, but yet so complicating. when i look back i can’t remember shit, and sometimes that scares me. it seems that i felt happier back then. but of course i would think this, i was always high on something. i look at my life now and i’m so happy to be alive and sober but i’m still gonna be an addict and it’s something i have to struggle with everyday of my life.

Summer is filled with breaking the rules and standing apart, ignoring your head… and following your heart.

Secret #1179.)

As much as i am afraid of marriage, i really want someone to propose to me. i want to know what it feels like to have someone want to spend the rest of their life with me. to make the decision on their own with careful thought.

Sometimes I can barely remember what it’s like to feel those sparks,

where nervousness dances on your skin, and your throat drops into your stomach leaving you without words, and your pupils dilate to the largest measure unheard of — all for this one person who doesn’t even realize that they’re the reason for this quiet explosion of emotion.

i'm feeling jaded again.

would someone just let me in. so i could realize the choices i made for you and i were for the best. you’ll never win my heart this time. get back, get back this love we shook. let’s look back, look back my life back then was never good. now you’re all alone and i’m never home. my life this time is good.

I'm trying..

I'm slowly coming to the realization that my life will never ever be PERFECT! i will probably never have that "one" moment in my life where I'm like "damn, this is really living." i know it may seem that I'm being completely pessimistic. but that's just the way you look at it. the way i see it is beautiful. i mean i'd rather live my life in chaos then be completely bored and organized all the time. when I'm down i feel. when I'm happy i feel. either way i feel. i know it sounds confusing, but it's making sense to me in my head. i keep telling myself "enjoy this" no matter how small the situation is. even if it's horrible and i feel depressed and shit. because some how i'm gonna end up missing it. and it turns out that every situation i'm in, that seems shitty at the time, i end up missing. that's because my life is chaos. it's in and out and backwards and forwards all at the same time, and i absolutely love it. :)

Summer in our heads tonight. We got nothing do but we're feeling alright.

Here we go again. I thought i would be able to move on from it. But for some reason it just keeps coming back. I'm starting to get a little freaked out about it actually. I've never had so much irony in one situation. EVER. Idk a part of me wants to keep pressing forward and just let it happen. but then I'm like is it really coincidence orrrr am i just pointing all the small stuff out too much?? I guess we'll see what happens.
anyways i'm at work and i'm about to close in an hour. Jr. is here keeping me company which is good.

Do I ever cross your mind?

In the peak of the day..or this middle of the night? You’re always on my mind, every single day and every single night. Singling you out and leaving out the rest, because second best i’m just not buyin. How i wish i crossed your mind so you could assure me you are mine.-Bianca Jay

LMAO.

* Bianca: I wonder what eyeballs taste like...
* Danny: I don't know. Probably like...eyeballs.
* Bianca: Ohh..YUM!

Late night conversations..

* Bianca: I cant believe he wouldn't carry the bag of cat food!
* Danielle: OHH i know can you believe that?!
* Bianca: Dude any guy that we've ever come across would carry it for you. It's about testosterone!!
* Danielle: Kyle would carry it!!
* Bianca: Right?!!! He would have been an asshole about it but he would still carry it!! WTF Even Oli would carry it!!
* Danielle: I know!! He would have looked like a pussy but he would still do it!!
* Bianca: Even a Nat would carry the bag of cat food!!!
* Danielle: Well he wouldn't be able to but at least he would have offered.
* Bianca: PURLA would carry it for you.
* Danielle: Even a bum would carry it for me.
* Bianca: AHAHAHA. Danielle I would carry the bag of cat food for you!

((I love my dad. He always knows what to say when i’m feeling down.))

I know but not everyone has the heart that you have. Don’t ever change the way you are. Good things will come your way because you are a good person. Love you. Sooner or later they’ll see that.
— Daddy

hahahahahahahahahahahah

Fill it up With a bag of that happy stuff Cause the way she runs out, you can tell she ain't had enough.

i’m at work. it’s super cold in here. oh well, i get to close in about 45 minutes. but i can’t wait for summer, when i can walk outside during night time and the air is so warm and nice against your skin. :))!

Everything in this small washed out town is tearing me down and wearing me out.

I have so much to figure out and I cant do that here. This is exactly what i fear, but this is exactly what I get and I won’t admit that I fucked up once again. Dear friend, dear someone; Take me somewhere far away. I’m getting desperate and everyone keeps getting in the way of me actually doing what I want. I’m doing what I’m not, I forgot what i want and everything’s pretty crappy. I’m completely broke and I keep changing the price on being happy.

Lately I've been closed off from the majority of my friends. It has nothing to do with them, it's merely personal. It's me. I'm not happy with myself so I just need some time to get away from the world and figure out what I want. No! This doesn't mean I'm moving again. It just means that I won't be spending as much time with people as usual. No! This doesn't mean that I'm losing myself, it just means that I'm trying to find who myself really is and what I have to work at to get there. I'm just tired of these dead end songs, and this dead end life. All my friends are probably gonna end up thinking that I'm way gone, but i swear I'm not. :))

You know me, you think you do, do you? You just don't seem to see that I've been waiting all this time to be something I can't define. So let's cause a scene; Clap our hands and stomp our feet or something, Yeah something. I've just got to get myself over me.

Everything in this small washed out town is tearing me down and wearing me out.

I have so much to figure out and I cant do that here. This is exactly what i fear, but this is exactly what I get and I won’t admit that I fucked up once again. Dear friend, dear someone; Take me somewhere far away. I’m getting desperate and everyone keeps getting in the way of me actually doing what I want. I’m doing what I’m not, I forgot what i want and everything’s tacky. I’m completely broke and I keep changing the price on being happy.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.

We've got the Vision, now let's have some Fun! Yeah, it's Overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute?

i'm really excited about some up and coming stuff. i was laying in bed the other day with jj and i was thinking about a few things and how i really needed to get started on some stuff of mine. and then it just HIT ME! i text danny and she was really stoked about the idea! all day we kept coming up with new ideas, so now were both really excited to get started on this project. it won't be done for quite a while as we want it to be completely perfect before we let anybody know about it. only a select will be informed about it at first. we'll let them in on our secret and if they are interested in being a part of it, then that's when we'll let everyone else know what's up. but like i said it won't be out for a while, so don't get your panties in a bunch if i don't tell you what's going on. sorry. but i can tell you right now that if danny and i take our time with this it's gonna be MASSIVE! trust me! waiting will be worth it!! in the meantime check out david's music!


I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms. I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world. I'll miss my brothers, miss my father, miss my dog and my home. I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

I miss Shasta!

* Shasta: I'm like laying in front of a pee bag. It's like right in front of my face.
* Bianca: I'm gonna laugh if it pops..ha ha..Like it just explodes in your face!!