Just be

Skinny, moody, witty, nice, neat, grumpy, fat, chubby, petite, tall, small, tiny, little, shy, outgoing, loud, introverted, creative, dull, coltish, playful, kittenish, smart, predictable, noisy, quiet, nosy, precocious, childish, slow, fast, tired, sweet, bright, happy, sad, frolic, jealous, depressed, heartbroken, confident, dreamy, helpful, pretty, beautiful, sexy, curvy, boyish, tidy, messy, false, cool, ignorant, loyal, honest, elegant, classy, wild, restless, breathless, homeless, kinky, lovely, bubbly, chatty, normal, different, average, friendly, polite, moody, capricious, erratic, crazy, mad, naive, clever, intelligent, wise, funny, smiley, optimistic, boring, easygoing, nonchalant, well-dressed, spotty, lost, proud, romantic, realistic, organised, old-fashioned, iconic, meager, scanty, rich, poor, nomadic, European, Asian, American. black, white, caramel, sunburned, deep tanned, pale, with freckles, without freckless, blue, brown, green, grey eyes, nail varnish in the colours of the rainbows and beyond, tangled hair, straight hair, curly hair, sleek hair, blonde, brown, ginger, red, black, pink, blue, green, whatever.

Just be a good.

Leave me alone with all the stereotypes. I just want to be a girl. I just want to be me

soooo the 12th Oct will be a good day. just saying!

Benjamin Franklin's 13 Virtues

1. Temperance: Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

2. Order: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

3. Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

4. Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.

5. Moderation: Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

6. Industry: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

7. Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

8. Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

9. Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

10. Sincerity: Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

11. Justice: Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

12. Chastity: Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.

13. Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrate

If there's just one piece of advice I can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't give up no matter how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if 10 years from now, you're gonna wish you gave it just one more shot. Because the best things in life, they don't come free.

Optimism vs Pessimism

Optimism breathes life into you each day
Pessimism drains you

Optimism helps you to take needed risks
Pessimism plays it safe and never accomplishes much

Optimism improves those around you
Pessimism drags them down

Optimism inspires people to great heights
Pessimism deflates people to new lows

This is what I know about love, that it is tested every day, and what is not renewed is lost. One either chooses to care more or to care less. Once the choice is to care less, then there is no stopping the momentum of goodbye.

If you’re ever lying on a beach with 80 billion grains of sand beneath you, 700 thousand waves before you, 60 million stars stretched out above you, and you’re still not at all impressed, I want you to think about this: The light reflecting from the stars is over one millions years old. WOW. But then, just as you start to feel like a mere blip in the gigantic scheme of things, please remember this: Yes, you are small, but you are also irreplaceable and invaluable and miraculous. Those stars don’t have shit on you.

WOW
i just realized that i hate growing up. realizing that it’s hard.
but i was too worried about growing up myself, that i never worried about what my parents think of them growing up..?? also, if i don’t wanna watch myself grow up, why would i wanna watch my parents age? i feel selfish.

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow?

And we couldn’t wait to grow up.

It's nearly October.

This means in a few days, a bunch of horror movies will be playing on TV all the time and Disney Channel will be playing the Halloween Town movies.

OCTOBER IS THE BEST MONTH EVER.

where in the world is my bible? i just realized it's gone. it's funny how when i lose my keys, phone, ipod, mind etc i immediately go crazy and search for them. but when my bible goes missing i don't realize till God knows how long later (no pun intended.)
ahhhh priorities…

CHANGE;

i don’t know what i believe.i don’t know what i want, who i want, where i want, or how i want. i may need some time alone to find myself.

Endorphins are my new bffs.

Seriously. Whenever I feel like poop all I have to do is exercise and it’s like BAM! Instant gratification. Not to mention I’m toning up very nicely.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing he said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you?

ohhhh my fucking aaahahaghsdjlsjdf;

i just creamed<3333

suicide season cut up!!!! FUCK ME!!

who is fucking excited for this

my heart keeps beating like a hammer

drink, drink, drink.
drugs, drugs, drugs.
no. no. no.
pour pills down the sink.
dead. dead. dead.
monsters in my head
and underneath the bed.
i never wanna die,
but i don't wanna live.
a life not lived?
guess i'm already dead.
and no one's ever home
i feel so alone
like no ones really on my side
so i cry every night.
i don't know why.
last i heard, crying
was a sign you're alive.
Please help, i'm alive.

'My heart keeps beating like a hammer.'

drink, drink, drink.
drugs, drugs, drugs.
no. no. no.
pour pills down the sink.
dead. dead. dead.
monsters in my head
and underneath the bed.
i never wanna die,
but i don't wanna live.
a life not lived?
guess i'm already dead.
and no one's ever home
i feel so alone
like no ones really on my side
so i cry every night.
i don't know why.
last i heard, crying
was a sign you're alive.
Please help, i'm alive.

i changed for you. sad thing is you never really saw me for me. although i tried to make you see, all i ever tried to do was love you. i've realised that you wasted all my precious time, until now i never saw the sign. guess in the end i lose, but i can't lose something that was never mine.

i don’t like it when people take my words out of context. i say what i wanna say when i feel it. if for any reason the next day i feel something different i shouldn’t be accused as a liar for changing my mind. things change. shit happens and i shouldn’t have to defend myself for saying how i feel at the moment.

i don't know who i am and i don't know what's wrong with me but i wanted to be all the things you need.you wanna give up on me. you don't wanna believe in me anymore. well thing is, i gave up and stopped believing in myself a long time ago. but i guess it hurts so much now because i still had that hope that YOU ALWAYS would believe in me.<3333

oh gosh, i'm so tired. my eyes burn. all i want is a glass of water and some sleep.

tomorrow is day one of no smoking..

tomorrow is day one of the rest of my life :D

i hate going to bed with issues unresolved. especially if they involve the ones i hold dearest. i can’t be mad at you for wanting to give up, doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. i want so bad to be mad at you. i want so bad to hold a grudge against you. but i can’t i want so bad for you to feel like shit for what you said to me. but even the thought of you feeling regret for what you said, hurts me. i don’t want you to feel bad. fuck. i carry so much inside that no one ever sees. :(

Skins

*Effy: Why bother?
*Tony: With what?
*Effy: Caring about people.

Dear boy

I do not know who you are, or where or when we will meet, but I do hope it is soon. I pray that when we meet and fall in love, you will love me for me, and not hope for someone who is thinner or prettier. I hope you won’t compare me to girls who may have brighter smiles. I hope that you will make me laugh, take care of me if I get sick, and be trustworthy. I hope you will remember that I prefer daisies to roses, and that my favorite color changes with my mood. Please know that my eyes aren’t blue, they’re gray, with flecks of navy. Please know that I might be too shy to kiss you first, but please don’t be afraid to kiss me. I won’t slap you or push you away. I’m sure your kisses will be perfect. When we go on a date, please don’t stress about where to take me; what’s important is that I’ll be with you. If I cry, please know it isn’t because of you, just hold me close and I’ll heal quickly. And, if it is because of you, I’ll heal just the same. And if we decide to break up, please understand that I may be bitter, but I’d like to be your friend if you’ll let me. I promise to remember that you have feelings too, even though you’ll never admit it, and when you are ready we’ll have a friendship. Please tell me if anything I do bothers you, or if something just doesn’t sit right. I would like you to always be honest with me. If I have a bad day, I hope you will shower me with confidence and smiles. I hope you don’t think that I’m asking too much of you. I hope you understand that I’m a little bit nervous and very scared. I wish I could tell you how or when we will meet, and if we will be in love forever. Every relationship is a new game of cards, and …(sigh)…I’ve never been good at cards. But I will try my best to be kind and love you dearly for all that you are, without expecting too much from you. Thank you for listening; this is all that I ask.

Notes to self.

1] Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.
2] Work at something you enjoy and that’s worthy of your time and talent.
3] Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
4] Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
5] Be forgiving of yourself and others.
6] Be generous.
7] Have a grateful heart.
8] Persistence, persistence, persistence.
9] Discipline yourself to save money on even the most modest salary.
10] Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated.
11] Commit yourself to constant improvement.
12] Commit yourself to quality.
13] Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power or prestige, but on relationships with people you love and respect.
14] Be loyal.
15] Be honest.
16] Be a self-starter.
17] Be decisive even if it means you’ll sometimes be wrong.
18] Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area in your life.
19] Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you’ll regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did.
20] Take good care of those you love.
21] Don’t do anything that wouldn’t make you Mom proud.
<333333333

To every girl who gossiped about me in corners of parties; to those who were my slap in the face; to the close minded or misunderstanding; to those who broke my heart: you all challenged me to become the person I wanted to be. I am stronger because of the trials you put me through and no matter what you have done to me, you have unknowingly done so much more for me.

i'll take you with all that you are.

with your complications,
your pain,
your secrets,
your past,
your longings,
and dreams

i will take you completely without exemptions.

You pick the insects off plants No time to think of consequences

today was a good day :] despite the fact that it was crazy hot, and it didn't smell like fall anymore :/
i woke up and my dad was in a way better mood. yesterday we had a wee spat.(thanks to drama and stupid jealous bitches!) i always yell at my dad when i'm pissed off or angry. i need to work on my anger. sometimes the tiniest things piss me the fuck off and i blow everything out of the water. i usually take things to the next level when it's really not a big deal, and i usually lash out to the closest thing near me. whether it be a wall, my cell phone, or a loved one...hmmm. but yeah i should work on that. i never really understood where i get my anger from, it just happens from time to time..
anyways we drove over to my aunts house and no one was home so we had to wait outside for a little while. then boo face called me and i went to go pick her up from her class..she passed her test. congrats babe! i was gonna go to the water front with her and john but it was way too hot and my car was being a baby.
i ended up going shopping with danny. we needed to pick out outfits for mondays show! we are so pumped for it! it's almost surreal that it's only 2 days away! we are extremely nervous and we don't really know what to expect. anyways while we were looking through the racks, the subject of Christofer came up. and we were talking about it and all of a sudden my recent crush (who happens to freakishly look like Christofer) walked right past us and asked if we needed any help. i just looked at danny and i was like ohh my gosh that's the guy i've been talking to you about. ahaha. it was weird. i didn't know he worked at the mall...oh man! anyways danny ended up picking out an entire outfit, which happened to be extremely cute. and i picked out a cute floral top. i haven't picked out the rest of the outfit. but i have a good idea on what i'm looking for. but i have today and tomorrow to go shoppin. so i should get on that!!
danny actually came and hung out with the crew tonight. she's been sucha freak of nature lately.
lol but it was really awkward tonight. idk why, maybe because i wasn't drinking...well actually yeah i'm pretty sure that's why. it's really hard to quit cold turkey and i usually always end up going back. some days it bothers me, and some days i could care less. tonight it bothered me. bleh! but i'm actually kinda glad i didn't drink and drove home sober for once. ever since tony died, i always feel like a hypocrite for drinking and driving. and for risking my friends lives as well. yeah, i never know what's wrong with me. i'm kind of a fucked up kid. i'm working on it though :)
anyways i need to go to bed. it's almost five and i can barely type anymore. i need to work on my sleeping routine. i've fucked it up again :/
night
xx

i just laugh:D

hey miss drama queen.
i've got some shit to say.
you may not give a damn,
but you're gonna hear it anyway.
you think you're so fucking pristine,
but i can see right through your lies.
i'm done with your little drama schemes,
now go drink away your life.
jealousy is such a waste,
guess you never got the memo.
spread your bullshit somewhere else,
and not all over myspace.
i made friends with you for far to long,
and i hated when we fought.
but when backstabbing is your thing,
shit it's all you got.
i'm gonna show you what i'm made of,
bitch you just wait and see.
while you sit there with your
stupid grin and insecurities.
i got all i need and more,
but it's still a shame you couldn't
see me as the friend i was before.
soon your side of the world
will come crashing down
and i won't be there for that.
while my side of town will still
be around so go on bitch. attack :]

I keep telling myself I’m going to change. I tell myself as often as I tell myself how sad it is that summer is ending. Nothing… has really… happened. I understand its all under my terms but it makes me sad knowing I’m stuck in… stuck in this tornado or vortex, if you will, of nothingness! I’m stuck in this never ending cycle of getting nowhere. It gets me down and when I try to get back up, its like the devil is kickin’ me back to the floor. I know I can overcome this, I just need to make the choice to do so. There are just so many obstacles in the world—especially being someone like me—boy do I get off task quick. I want to change… and well, I need to change. Its no longer a matter of whether or not I want to. I need to change if I want a future. I need to change if I want the future I want.

I seriously will start pulling it together.

Secret #9963.)

I love you, yes you, reading this. Dont be to hard on yourself, we all make bad choices sometimes and dont always do the right thing. We get what we give out in the world, so always give love and joy. You're not alone, Im right here with you and I do care, even if we dont know each other.

I know. I've known it since the moment you kissed me and maybe even before that, and scary as it is, I don't want to deny it anymore. I don't want to run from it and I don't want to let it run from me.

it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same.
it’s funny but stupid how you want everything & nothing at the same time. it’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on, and when you want to move on but you’re stuck right where you started. when feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. when you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start.

If its proper not to speak, not have a drink, say anything then i'd pour it out i'd drink it down and tell the world we are running this town

slowly. slowly but definitely surely i'm learning about myself. every single day, every single minute, seconds even. i change every 5 seconds yeah, but i'm looking up to the sky and giving it up. i can't change into someone i'm not. i can't force myself into a category i'm not meant to be in. you can't fit a star into a square..keep pushing and pushing and trying and cursing..it's not gonna happen. i'm learning to live with this. as much as i'd like to think i'm unhappy, i'm content. i'm learning to trust God more and i'm trying to understand what He's planning for me. Right now i believe he wants me to focus on, well, me. and being patient. He's opening so many more doors for me, i just haven't walked through them yet. He's opening my heart, my soul and mind to so many ideas and he keeps me purely motivated. Sometimes things seem unbearable but in the end, when it's all said and done, i know it will be worth that roller coaster ride. :)
I'm learning so much about myself slowly...slowly but surely.

If its proper not to speak, not have a drink, say anything; then i'd pour it out, i'd drink it down, and tell the world we are running this town.

slowly. slowly but definitely surely i'm learning about myself. every single day, every single minute, seconds even. i change every 5 seconds yeah, but i'm looking up to the sky and giving it up. i can't change into someone i'm not. i can't force myself into a category i'm not meant to be in. you can't fit a star into a square..keep pushing and pushing and trying and cursing..it's not gonna happen. i'm learning to live with this. as much as i'd like to think i'm unhappy, i'm content. i'm learning to trust God more and i'm trying to understand what He's planning for me. Right now i believe he wants me to focus on, well, me. and being patient. He's opening so many more doors for me, i just haven't walked through them yet. He's opening my heart, my soul and mind to so many ideas and he keeps me purely motivated. Sometimes things seem unbearable but in the end, when it's all said and done, i know it will be worth that roller coaster ride. :)
I'm learning so much about myself slowly...slowly but surely.

Currently listening: Leona Lewis | Happy

I'll need a savior.

The night is deafening when the silence is listening
And I´m down on my knees and I know that something is missing.
Because the back of my mind is holding things I´m relying in
But I choose to ignore it because I´m always denying them.

I´m a bit of a manic when it´s not as I plan it
Cause I start losing my head and then I get up in a panic
Remember when we were kids and always knew when to quit it
Are we denying a crisis or are we scared of admitting it?

I don´t want to know

I just want to run to you
And break off the chains and throw them away
I just want to be so much
And shake off the dust that turned me to rust
Sooner than later I'll need a saviour
I'll need a saviour

It won´t ever change if you want it to stay the same
I really hate it but I know it´s hard to choose if you´re chained
And when it´s all you control cause you´ve got nothing less to hold
You´re getting tighter and tighter it´s getting harder to let it go

Stand me up and maybe I won´t be so small
Free my hands and feet and maybe I won´t always fall...
Save me
-lights

Dear world,

when you put your heart into Jesus. he's gonna bless you. he's gonna take care of you. you're gonna dream and pray for miraculous things that you may think will never happen, but with god, anything is possible. he's gonna surprise you in so many ways. you're gonna stop and think...'um wth! what just happened?!'
cos' it's gonna happen!!
remember that when your swimming in those tough waters.
:]

hey i'm watching this movie right now.what a freaking coincidence!!

my dad is watching it for the first time right now lol

he made me pause the movie while he takes purla out..i think he likes it.

p.s. my dad also likes the jonas brothers and nevershoutnever! my dad is awesome!!

Bottom line is, even if you see them coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do after wards that counts, that's when you find out who you really are.