Taking my crystals outside to charge under the Blue Moon.

i miss having all the time in the world, i miss staying up ridiculously late and not giving a shit because i could sleep till 12 the next day, i miss picking up my dad from work at night and dropping him off early in the mornings. i miss the rain and watching my pup sleep. i miss nature and drinking coffee and tea at all hours of the day, especially at 3 o'clock in the morning. i miss going to the camas library and picking up a thousand books and just reading all day. i miss my dad and spending time in the garden, going to the local produce store, and exploring town together. i miss being alone, free to use my time as i wish.

Going to brew some peppermint tea, light some incense, update my blog, and chill out.

I miss the moon, a lot.

My Poppa went to a football game up in Seattle and I told him to take some photos...Love him.

Cutting it close.

I'm deciding to take more photos with my actual camera then my Iphone.

I miss it.

Cutting out some space on my computer for more storage. I should have cleaned my room and washed my clothes today but, well, what are you gunna do you know? My eyes burn and are really tired. It's extremely hot in my house and I'm ready to pass the eff out. Going to make some sleepy tea. Good night. xx

p.s. I need new book recommendations.

i just want a beautiful boy who will read me passages from their favorite books, who will write me little stories, who will play me little ditties on the piano or guitar and sing to me with so much meaning it pushes me over, and i just want a beautiful boy who will make me tea and do absolutely nothing with me.

Tunes:

The Avett Brothers | Pretty Girl At The Airport

Justin Rock | Stay

Bon Iver | Bruised Orange

I couldn't remember my dream last night, I do know it was about water and I had a heavy heart. I've just been sleeping like real crap lately and it's making me sick!

i mostly can't wait for halloween and october.

Atlas Genius | Trojans

There are some things you just gotta appreciate and dancing alone and idiotically in your room for 20 minutes is one of them.

Caleb got shot and Toby is A! I cried when Toby came back! WHY?! I can't even deal! Going to throw up now, take a shower, and clean my room because I won't be able to sleep for days.....

i had a dream once but now i can't seem to remember if it was a memory, it was all orange and yellow and i was a child.

my dad thinks i'm a drunk mess, he thinks i have black eyes from fighting and asks me where i get them from when it's actually me rubbing my make up off because my right eye always itches. and he always asks me if i've eatin and when i tell him i haven't he gets mad when i say i'm not hungry. he's always sick and worried about me, it's the only constant thing in my life, me fucking up and my dad being worried and me having anxiety because i know i hurt him and i'm always really emotional about it. and when i'm alone all i want is time alone to spend with my father without her being around constantly but when i'm actually blessed with an opportunity i throw it away and run to my room and cry. i don't know if it's because i don't wanna face the truth of what i've done and what he's done but there's always an elephant in the room. i'm such an extremist that it makes me want to just give up. i can't find a medium, i don't even know how. and i don't even know how to be happy anymore. i can't feel anything. i'm a blank canvas. i keep having these weird dreams and i know what i have to do, they inspire me and terrify me at the same time and i can't seem to get a grip still. i want to go back to school but i'm broke as hell and i need to get on my own insurance because i'm a "grown up" now, whatever that means. it's like, who's making these rules man.

I've been having so many strange dreams lately that aren't things to talk about considering they've been the most honest dreams I've had with myself in a while.

Tunes:

Damien Jurado | Sheets

i'm cold, i'm cold, i'm cold, but not cold enough.

It's been awhile since I sat out at night and drank passion tea and listened to Nature; the stillness, the slow down, the patience, the rustle of the trees in the faint wind, the smell of the Earth and dirt and wood. My pup is acting frantic and the noises of the cars in the background are making my heart hurt. The street lamp across the street keeps turning on and off, I forgot how it always did that. Im staring at the tree my dad planted last night and for some reason, it's giving me a lot of hope for the future. I just heard the first cricket of the night and a bat just flew about five feet above my head, in front of me.The moon is hiding behind the trees, wanting her so badly to come down and kiss me goodnight. My eyes are tired, my bones are achy, I'm cold and hungry. I'm trying to get my lust for life back and Nature is my guide.

Tunes:

Imagine Dragons | It's Time

They Might Be Giants | Istanbul

Tom Waits | Picture In A Frame

David Kitay | Ghost World

Churchill | Change

When In Rome | The Promise

The Wombats| Tokyo

The French Kicks | The Trial Of The Century

Pavement | Here*

The Shins | We Will Become Silhouettes

Alex Clare | Too Close

Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen | Good Time

Natasha Bedingfield | Little Too Much

Radiohead | Fake Plastic Trees

The Weeks | The House We Grew Up In 

The art of getting by;

Painting is sort of like life. You're scared shitless, you've no idea what's gunna come out of it all. Sometimes it's something you can be proud of, sometimes things are pure shit, and sometimes there's nothing there, and you're staring at at a blank canvas; idle for a while. You've smoked a pack of cigarettes and you've spent days scared of what to start with. You stare, you curse, you throw it all away. You sleep on it, you lose sleep from it. You really start to go mental because you feel you're not good enough, incompetent. But you have to do it. You can't give up. Bullshit your way through, fake it if you have to. Make up your own rules and then break them. Just put the fucking brush, pencil, pen, to the paper and do it. Use your own sweat, tears, and blood if you must! This is why I paint and this is why I create, because doing something is better then doing nothing, you learn a little about yourself after it's all said and done. You're changed with each piece.

It's been 23 days since I've turned 23.

i just got done watching the whole season of bunheads which i can completely say i'm in love with, and now i'm sitting in my room waiting from grimm to come on. it's probably about 73 degrees outside and the birds are chirping and i'm sure i could find something to do outdoors like walk my dog or even get some vitamin d but instead i'm lying on my bed wallowing in the fact that i have a gram of molly and i can't find myself to get up and take it, and i can't stop throwing up and i can't get this sick sad feeling out of my stomach, as if dread impregnated anxiety inside of me and i'm ready to give birth at any moment, and i want to cry but i'm forcing myself not to because i have the pride of a champion. and i called into work today just because i'm tired of working so god damn much and i never have time for just me, my phone's been ringing off the hook and i keep thinking how funny it is when you don't want to be bothered people come running, but when you need help or a shoulder to cry on, it's a fucking wasteland, and now i keep thinking how that's not really funny it's just kind of pathetic and i just want to jump on a bus and leave and never come back, but then i'll feel bad cos my dad needs the rest of my measly paycheck to pay bills and i'm selfish because he pays for everything i own and i can't stand the fact that i work my ass off just to give my money to him when he works probably 100 times harder then me to keep me alive.

it's been 20 days since i turned 23 and i'm a fucking basket case.

People are so dissatisfying. Why can't I just crawl away into this great abyss where people can't ask me for answers to questions I don't even know anymore. And I don't care to talk because no one cares to listen. I'm just tired, I'm really fucking tired of trying.

I wanna stop wanting. I wanna stop eating, and drinking, I wanna stop this over consumption of shit shit shit. I wanna stop everything. I wanna stop running away from things in my life. but it's what i'm good at so far so I'm gunna keep doing it till I'm completely gone.

I'm just finding it hard to believe in anyone or anything anymore.

I'm scared, I'm really scared. I have this nostalgia for this beautiful future and a nostalgia for the past, and I'm scared of it all. I'm stuck in ghost world, limbo land, and it won't loosen it's grip.

She doesn't deserve you, but then, neither do I. And I don't want to save you, and I don't want you to save me. I just want you to come home.

I don't know what's wrong me. I just like being sick, like mentally sick, and I like taking drugs and drinking. I like non realities and making yourself sicker and crying and falling deeper into oblivion. I like things that people wouldn't normally like and I haven't found one person that I can have deep conversations with about these things and so I like talking to myself and being alone and finding new things that fascinate me. And I hate the actual world and I hate people in general, only because most of them are full of bullshit. I just want to make my own reality and live in the dark by myself with the things that I love. I thought I wanted and needed to fill my life up with shit that I thought would make me happy, but it doesn't. And I thought that people would listen but they don't so fuck it. I need help, and a therapist.

i feel like i'm a different person now. i can't say i won't do it again because that would be a lie. and i can't say that i won't feel bad for doing it because i don't, i love the way it makes me feel although it is kind of scary to admit how much i like it. i could feel it kicking in when i was driving and ryan was laughing about something because justin kept putting his blinker on and so i kept putting my blinker on. i had no idea where i was but i did at the same time. and i thought to myself i can either take this negatively and let my first time ruin my second time, or i can let this be a positive experience and just let go. so i did just that. i turned the music up louder and started dancing a little and laughing and singing and talking to ryan and i felt my anxiety trickle out of me. as soon as we got to the house i needed water so i filled my water and apologized cos i was spilling everywhere. then we all headed into the garage to play beer pong and then everything just seemed amazing. it happened so fast. all of a sudden it was like i was the purest form and there were a million colors bursting out of me in every direction. i was like this magical rainbow and everything was just so beautiful and distracting i couldn't stop touching everything and i couldn't stop swaying back and forth and i couldn't stop smiling, everyone knew i was happy and feeling well and alive. i made my own world and they loved me because of it and i loved them for loving me because of it. i felt the vibes and energy from the universe and when things got negative i just wanted to hug and kiss them and make it all better. and i wanted everyone to feel how i was feeling, it just wasn't fair. i felt like a child again, i felt like nothing could upset me, and i felt like even if someone tried their hardest to make me angry, that i just couldn't be mad. i just wanted to be happy. and i was.

"Green" Thumb.

i'm ready for fall. i'm ready for fall. i'm ready for fall. it's cloudy outside and all i want right now is a pumpkin spiced latte and to browse my old job at pier 1 for fall and holiday decorations, and i want to wear lots of layers and i want to take a mini road trip to lucia with perla and birdie and watch the river and stare up at the overcast, and i want to go to the pumpkin patch and i want to fill change in the air..i wanna listen to our old fall music collections and run around cemeteries and smell the fresh scent of crisp rain at night..that's all i want...i may be a summer baby, but i've never been one for summer...

#Birthday