i just got done watching the whole season of bunheads which i can completely say i'm in love with, and now i'm sitting in my room waiting from grimm to come on. it's probably about 73 degrees outside and the birds are chirping and i'm sure i could find something to do outdoors like walk my dog or even get some vitamin d but instead i'm lying on my bed wallowing in the fact that i have a gram of molly and i can't find myself to get up and take it, and i can't stop throwing up and i can't get this sick sad feeling out of my stomach, as if dread impregnated anxiety inside of me and i'm ready to give birth at any moment, and i want to cry but i'm forcing myself not to because i have the pride of a champion. and i called into work today just because i'm tired of working so god damn much and i never have time for just me, my phone's been ringing off the hook and i keep thinking how funny it is when you don't want to be bothered people come running, but when you need help or a shoulder to cry on, it's a fucking wasteland, and now i keep thinking how that's not really funny it's just kind of pathetic and i just want to jump on a bus and leave and never come back, but then i'll feel bad cos my dad needs the rest of my measly paycheck to pay bills and i'm selfish because he pays for everything i own and i can't stand the fact that i work my ass off just to give my money to him when he works probably 100 times harder then me to keep me alive.

it's been 20 days since i turned 23 and i'm a fucking basket case.