Tuesday, August 28, 2012

my dad thinks i'm a drunk mess, he thinks i have black eyes from fighting and asks me where i get them from when it's actually me rubbing my make up off because my right eye always itches. and he always asks me if i've eatin and when i tell him i haven't he gets mad when i say i'm not hungry. he's always sick and worried about me, it's the only constant thing in my life, me fucking up and my dad being worried and me having anxiety because i know i hurt him and i'm always really emotional about it. and when i'm alone all i want is time alone to spend with my father without her being around constantly but when i'm actually blessed with an opportunity i throw it away and run to my room and cry. i don't know if it's because i don't wanna face the truth of what i've done and what he's done but there's always an elephant in the room. i'm such an extremist that it makes me want to just give up. i can't find a medium, i don't even know how. and i don't even know how to be happy anymore. i can't feel anything. i'm a blank canvas. i keep having these weird dreams and i know what i have to do, they inspire me and terrify me at the same time and i can't seem to get a grip still. i want to go back to school but i'm broke as hell and i need to get on my own insurance because i'm a "grown up" now, whatever that means. it's like, who's making these rules man.

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