If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last.

Sitting here listening to If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember and I'm balling my eyes out pretty much.

So I have to wake up in three hours to take my dad to work, which is soo lame. I've been really irritable and exhausted lately with so much to do. We finally got the keys to our house last Thursday and the water was turned on today so we got the carpets cleaned today as well. We moved some boxes and plan on renting a Uhaul and moving the rest of our things in tomorrow after my dad gets off work. Everything is for surely coming along at it's own pace but I'm still pretty excited about being settled in :) It's going to be so weird actually having my own place again. I think tonight is my last night living at Danny's so I may not have internet for quite a while, which is an actual bummer, unless my neighbors have wifi I can steal from. Hopefully. Anyways I'm hoping I find a job soon for real though because gas is going to be one hell of a bitch. I really wanna help my dad out with bills so he isn't stressin so much. If I can't find a job then I'm planning on getting food stamps. But I WILL FIND A JOB! My dad made me say this really loud three times, a little affirmation, ya know!

Well I hung out with Chris again. I went and picked him up from a buddies party Saturday and he was fucked up. We had planned on going to watch a movie but it was to late and neither of us were tired so we ended up trying to start a bonfire at Wintler. It ended up being a major fail. It was fun lying on the beach though. Got a little down and dirty if ya know what I mean. After, we went to Winco and got some wings and drove to my cousins Carlos and Eder's place to watch a movie and crash. I think I'm really starting to feel myself falling again, and I'm not sure what to do with this feeling. I just don't want to get used and abused and played and fooled all over again. Before Wintler we drove to my dad's so that he could grab his fishing stuff and he saw Chris in the passenger seat, he gave him this dirty look. Like "Wow. Really?" I guess everyone is really surprised that I'm hanging out and bringing him around. I act so nonchalant when other's are like, "You're hanging out again?!" It's also crazy when I ask someone, "Guess who I'm hanging out with again." like Ryan and Omar and they are immediately like, "Chris." As soon as I confirm, it's silence. I can tell on their faces that it doesn't seem like such a good idea. They all know that he's the one boy that left me broken for so long. I really do think they're worried I'll get my heart broken again, which I don't blame them because I worry about that too. I know eventually I'm gunna fall for him and it's gunna suck when he leaves for Georgia and I'm left heartbroken and alone again. A part of me wants to stop all contact before shit hits the fan and I've dug myself too deep. And the other part of me is wanting to really take this in. I mean he's going into the army, and anything can happen. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him and I didn't take this opportunity that God's giving me to be with him. I'm just really torn at the moment. He's all I think about these days really. Something's gunna happen soon, I can feel it in my bones. I just want him to tell me how he feels and if he feels this will go anywhere. Will we just remain friends? Will I wait for him? Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that this song is getting the best of me.
xx