"Cause now you're already falling back in love with me. Just fall back in love, yeah just fall back in love."

I hung out with Jeremy and Chris Monday night. We had a little bonfire, drank, roasted some marshmallows and just caught up on old times. I really do miss hanging out just us three. We kept bringing up the past, more then what I expected. "Do you remember when?" were the main questions of the night. I had a good time. Jeremy's girlfriend ended up showing up and hanging for a little before they left Chris and I to hang out. We talked some more, got a little more comfortable, then A LOT more comfortable and we ended up doing stuff that we both wanted to do at the moment but that I'm sort of regretting now. I do miss Chris and this is what I've wanted for the past 4 years, but he's leaving for the Army and I just don't know if I can put myself into a situation where I can potentially fall in love with him again. He's a lot different this time around, but still the same in a lot of ways too. I know it will eventually happen. I want to talk to him about it but I'm avoident at the moment. He called to watch a movie yesterday and I didn't answer. I don't know if it's because I'm just so insecure with how I've let myself go over the years or if I'm afraid of him leaving me again. Either way, I just can't win. I keep telling myself that this is what I've wanted so let it just happen, if he leaves then he leaves. Another part of me doesn't want to take advantage of the sitaution, but more so of him. If that makes sense. Effy keeps popping up in my mind and I'm starting to realize my answer to this great big mess. I want to use him to my benefit and dispose of him whenever I'd like, but then It's almost as if I'm slapping God's hand for bringing him back into my life. I can't misuse this blessing I've prayed so much for. All I know is that I have so much to think about in so little time, I just need to make up my mind. I can be so fickle when it comes to my heart.

"She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his, if he were to lose her twice."