Picking up dad /// New Life.

5 years strong.

Dear Danny:

ooh, hey mami, how you doin, who you doin girl? they got you looking straight up delicious. you makin gold diggin cool again! remember meeting for the first time and you hated me because i hung out with the “wrong crowd” tripping me in the hallway but i don’t remember. me just never remembering anything. always making you go first because if i go first “you forgot” sneaking out while your mom was on the back porch, smoking, and jacob coming out and i remember we booked it down the road and we were so bummed walking back. then in the second attempt i fell in that sticker bush with my legs up in the air and you pissing your pants. playing ding dong ditch with cody, mike, and brenden and cody ran off and you guys left me when that old guy came out with his carona boxers on. playing duck duck goose in portland. climbing elephants. “i can quote walt whitman” “can you quote the bible? ” calling you every night when i lived in california. saying or singing something at the same exact moment and then going “ohhhhkay.” “siiiiiisssttterrrss!” when we hung out with brad the first time and he chugged that beer and i thought he was soo fucccking cool. every time we laugh it’s always exact and it always freaks everybody out. you hogging my ipod and cellphone everyday. “i love thisss songgg” writing notes and leaving it in our lockers. our notebook back and forth. you having to hold me back when i was going to kick brittaney’s ass. blacking out and waking up next to dog shit in orchards park. getting sent to 501 for stupid shit. walking up to john the security guard with chew in my mouth. the looks we give each other and we just know! “You don’t even KNOW!” you know it’s so true..it’s funny because it’s true…that’s why it’s funny because it’s true..hence, funny. ”why the fuck did you die your fur white? oh hell no mama i know you ain’t gunna bottle me about this you mixed ass bitch.” stealing pumpkins from albertsons and letting them rot in your trunk. when your grandma found that jumbo pack of condoms in your trunk and you told her they were jacobs. IOU’s to fred meyers when we get rich and famous. staying up to watch the sunrises at wintler and beaches and the skate park and then coming home and walking libby and perla around your farm. “i’m gunna delete you from my myspace.” and “what the fuck is she wearing?” wolfie <3’s birdie. SUCK MY DICK! FAGGOT! MAN! MAN! PERLLLAAAH! CHIIICCCKKEEEN! vagina talks and james being the only boy allowed in them. butt sanitizer, crappers in cars, what if everything was edible? and what if everything rolled? cutting the exact same night. “are you even listening? yeah something about note cards” 2am taco bell runs when we’re suppose to be on diets. going for the throat at shows. “make sure you let these ladies back in” at bmth and everyone staring at us like we were somebody. totally thinking we were going to get raped in seattle and that hot guy ready to jump to the rescue. meeting landon for the first time and being twat swatted. hitting on you all the time just cos i haven’t been laid in a while. your mom getting paranoid when we’re alone in the living room together..with the lights turned off..and it’s quiet. carrying a broken knife in your purse so if you stab someone you cut yourself too, so jacob attached a fishing wire on it so you can swing!! all those dead bodies in the trunk. slashing tires, and wrapping toilet paper and saran wrap around chrises van, then leaving pumpkins in his yard, and the whole time it was brad’s truck we fucked up. dodging miss parker. “they said they were gunna jump me and throw me in the trash can.” “hi, i’m gaping vagina.” stealing the beach key. and the beach house always bringing everyone closer. “that’s why we’re biffs.” needy and jennifer. sally and gillian. ying and yang. fire and water. the moon and sun. leo and cancer. “you fucking would.” wintler walks. eating bark at lucia falls. shitting ourselves in alli’s car. “you’re not hardcaore, unless you live hardcore.” bustin caps with my nine! talking and talking and talking!!! ”what the fuck did you just say to me mama? what the fuck did you just say to me momma, what the fuck did you just say?!” you better stop it stupeh, before i start it! RANDAL RADCLIFFS A FAKE! snaaake! biiitter! my white camera. the field. everyone knows we always talk mad shit about them at parties. “where’s your sister? where’s your other half?” when your mom first met me and i cussed like a sailor cos I DIDN’T GIVE A FUHHH and i thought i was so hardcore! PERIOD FART! when your mom bought us cloves on the way to the beach and having to stop at every rest stop. losing my contact the first day and having to only see out of one eye the entire time. PITCHERS A HOTTIE! taking pictures with the crab on the beach. writing i like dom and i like kyle in the sand and on the wall in the barn. me being able to quote bring it on backwards in my sleep. nick walking us both to class and we both end up walking out and bumping into each other by the lockers. being obsessed with blair then becoming his best friend. how we always go through something similar around the same time. being in love with dom. telling all the boys we were virgins. little dick nick. white rhino having a small penis. “the kid next to me is a weenie.” “she doesn’t even go here!” stealing everything because we’re broke ass nigguhs. almost getting caught in the stalls thinking our hearts were going to fall out of our butts and saying, “never again.”..and yet we’re still broke assholes stealing. THE CAR RIDE FROM HELL driving tashia up and catching her in a fat ass lie and then outing her on facebook. jazzercise!! scaring ourselves shitless! ghost adventures and crime shows. carving “fuck you” in big ass letters in my arm. CANDYBAAAR! you’re never gunna get anywhere with those little bird lips you got there. screaming “SSHE’S GOT A SMILE AND IT SEEMS TO ME, REMINDS ME OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, WHERE EVERYTHING WAS AS FRESH AS THE BRIGHT BLUE SKYYY…i don’t know the rest.” “he fucking started it!” he’s pulled over, he can’t pull over any farther. “littering and? littering and? smoking the refer!!” SWEET LOUUU!! “I’m coming nigguh!!!” white chicks, grind, mean girls, and super troopers. basically living at each other’s houses. our first mad hangover. watching you eat that whole bowl of raviolis. mobbin in your little blue dodge colt. almost hitting that truck…which is still not my fault..BITCH! “where are all the hot guys at?”..chris walks in with lou lou..fail. brendon always being prude and butt hurt when i would fuck his buttbuddies. waking up and telling each other about our elaborate fucked up dreams and wondering what they mean. having the best times at my moms house in bg. that cat we almost ran over and how it stopped in the middle of the road and we gave him a scream and a little dance. ashlee simpson’s cracked voice. nothing ever scaring me until we seen that ghost. me and my morbid mind. the house on ferry road. you always have to count my change because i would get so nervous. “how much is that 2 dollar meal deal” “what’s that morgan freeman guy’s name?” watching for our ex boyfriend’s cars and being shaky when we finally saw them. WE GET STRIPES OUT HERE! all of my husbands and ex husbands. listening to a song and thinking of a specific noun. adidas perfume. “maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore.” and then we start talking about apartments and living together. FUCK YA LATER! midnight trips to wall mart. drawing pictures of our dicks in notes. almost running over nick on that bike and us watching him fall off it in slow motion. almost kicking his ass when he walked all the way to bg in the middle of the night and us having to pick him up. VAMPIRE KIDS! INVISIBLE CHILDREN! spray painting wintler park and eggin houses. when alli fell and bounced off that rock at moulton. breaking down in ryan’s white jeep. when taco bell, carl’s jr, jack in the box, rock stars, cigarette’s, coffee, sunflowers seeds and chocolate milk was a strict diet. when you first got jj and i first got noah and they hated each other. REHAB..so that was fun! wondering what perla thinks. your birthday at sean’s house and you not remembering. all the boy’s gangsta mixes. summer 06 and 07, always! never being home and our parents always yelling at us.

lol. i’m sure there is a shit load of other things, but i can’t remember. but this is just a little dedication to you because even though we ain’t living together no mo..you’re still my best friend. I LOVE YOU NIGGUH!

Get rid of the shit that weighs you down.

Yesterday was Bob Dylan's birthday. Yesterday we moved everything into my new home. :-)

I'm sitting here on the living room floor of my new home waiting for my dad to get home. I just had the rest of my jack in the box, I stink, and I'm wiped the fuck out. We still have a lot of unpacking, organizing, and moving to do. Dad works until Sunday, and hopefully by then I have everything all settled in so that dad can just relax on his two days off. He's exhausted!! Tonight is the first night sleeping here :) It's gunna be weird the first few nights I think. I'm still getting used to this big ole house! We bought some house supplies from Wally World and a really nice chandelier from Home Depot tonight. The original price for it was like 189 but we ended up snagging a deal for like 35 dollars!! EEEP! Anyways dad just got home, I think I'm gunna get ready for bed here soon. Gotta long day ahead tomorrow!! Night!! xx

p.s. haven't heard from chris today.

My little muffin sleeping in her brand new home.

Update:

Interests: Anarchy, Battle Wounds, Big Sunglasses, Chai, Dancing, Flannels, Green Tea, Holding Hands, Iced Tea, Late Nights, Free writes, Leopard, Love Bites, Messy Hair, Mix Tapes, Monsters, Movie Nights, Music, Over Accessorizing, Photo Booths, Red Nail Polish, Skeletons, Sleep Overs, Sushi, Traveling, Vintage, Wine
Favorite Music: blondie, blood brothers, cher, coldplay, dead boys, the beatles, ramones, sex pistols, the clash, the cure, the shins, the slits, the strokes, velvet underground, weezer
Favorite Movies: 200 cigs, alice in wonderland, almost famous, beetle juice, clockwork orange, crybaby, detroit rock city, edward scissor hands, elizabeth town, empire records, enternal sunshine, garden state, ghost world, gia, girl interrupted, gummo, hard candy, hedwig and the angry inch, party monster, rocky horror picture show, rushmore, sid and nancy, slc punk, spun, stay, the royal tenenbaums, the shining, v for vendetta, virgin suicides, winter passing, yellow submarine

If you can wait till I get home, then I swear to you that we can make this last.

Sitting here listening to If It Means A Lot To You by A Day To Remember and I'm balling my eyes out pretty much.

So I have to wake up in three hours to take my dad to work, which is soo lame. I've been really irritable and exhausted lately with so much to do. We finally got the keys to our house last Thursday and the water was turned on today so we got the carpets cleaned today as well. We moved some boxes and plan on renting a Uhaul and moving the rest of our things in tomorrow after my dad gets off work. Everything is for surely coming along at it's own pace but I'm still pretty excited about being settled in :) It's going to be so weird actually having my own place again. I think tonight is my last night living at Danny's so I may not have internet for quite a while, which is an actual bummer, unless my neighbors have wifi I can steal from. Hopefully. Anyways I'm hoping I find a job soon for real though because gas is going to be one hell of a bitch. I really wanna help my dad out with bills so he isn't stressin so much. If I can't find a job then I'm planning on getting food stamps. But I WILL FIND A JOB! My dad made me say this really loud three times, a little affirmation, ya know!

Well I hung out with Chris again. I went and picked him up from a buddies party Saturday and he was fucked up. We had planned on going to watch a movie but it was to late and neither of us were tired so we ended up trying to start a bonfire at Wintler. It ended up being a major fail. It was fun lying on the beach though. Got a little down and dirty if ya know what I mean. After, we went to Winco and got some wings and drove to my cousins Carlos and Eder's place to watch a movie and crash. I think I'm really starting to feel myself falling again, and I'm not sure what to do with this feeling. I just don't want to get used and abused and played and fooled all over again. Before Wintler we drove to my dad's so that he could grab his fishing stuff and he saw Chris in the passenger seat, he gave him this dirty look. Like "Wow. Really?" I guess everyone is really surprised that I'm hanging out and bringing him around. I act so nonchalant when other's are like, "You're hanging out again?!" It's also crazy when I ask someone, "Guess who I'm hanging out with again." like Ryan and Omar and they are immediately like, "Chris." As soon as I confirm, it's silence. I can tell on their faces that it doesn't seem like such a good idea. They all know that he's the one boy that left me broken for so long. I really do think they're worried I'll get my heart broken again, which I don't blame them because I worry about that too. I know eventually I'm gunna fall for him and it's gunna suck when he leaves for Georgia and I'm left heartbroken and alone again. A part of me wants to stop all contact before shit hits the fan and I've dug myself too deep. And the other part of me is wanting to really take this in. I mean he's going into the army, and anything can happen. I would never forgive myself if something happens to him and I didn't take this opportunity that God's giving me to be with him. I'm just really torn at the moment. He's all I think about these days really. Something's gunna happen soon, I can feel it in my bones. I just want him to tell me how he feels and if he feels this will go anywhere. Will we just remain friends? Will I wait for him? Fuck, I don't know. All I know is that this song is getting the best of me.
xx

May.

Happy Birthday Julie!

Black cats and Voodoo dolls.

I just want one more chance to put my arms in fragile hands.

An update on what's been going on lately:

I went fishing on Mother's day with my poppa, Brian, and Tania. Honestly I had a blast, we woke up at 4:30am and didn't come home till 12am, we were practically there all day. Took some videos and pictures, we caught so many fish. :-) I'm really excited to go again and get into fly fishing, I think my dad's really proud of me, haha, I swear he eats, sleeps, and breaths fishing. It's kinda cool though that my dad has a passion and a hobby. He's been fishing since before I was born. I love him.
Chris's graduation from college was on the 14th, we were all really proud of him. He's the first in the family to graduate and it was really awesome to see since it's like family history haha. We'll see who's next. It really got me thinking about going back to school for sure. I really want to get back into business classes, maybe take one or two and then take a random class like ballet or art, or drama, photography; just random shit that interests me :-) I really need to find a passion for something or just need to find something to do because I swear I eat and sleep all day or I'm on the computer mostly. I'm lame. But I'm really excited though, I just need to find a job cos I wanna go back but be able to pay for my own shit since my dad will be paying for the house. I've been applying to places but I haven't gotten any call backs at all. So hard these days..uggghhh.
Speaking of the house we may be able to move in today!! I'm just waiting for Rachel to call me to meet up with her for the keys. I'm really hoping it's today because I need my own place incredibly bad. I've prayed and been patient and impatient for long enough I think. Either way though, this is such a blessing from God :-) I feel like when I move out of Danny's, everything will start heading in the right direction. As of right now, I just feel entirely too stuck..I'm praying I lose the weight I need for summer, find a job to help out my dad with expenses, go back to school for sure, decorate and renovate my new home, tell Chris how I've always felt, go back to Church, you know just time to start accomplishing more shit, and just living my life. I've wasted the past six months of my life. It's a damn shame, I'll admit. I'm trying not to regret it though, it's hard. I guess all I can do is dust myself off and try again. I'm just hoping I move today though, because I really don't know how much longer I can take living here. I mean I love Danny and her family more then anything. They have honestly done sooo fucking much for my dad and I, probably more then we could ever repay and I will always have a place for this family deep down inside my heart. It's just as of right now, I feel like Danny and I just need a dramatic break from each other. I know she loves me, and I know we will always remain scaryingly good friends, but we would never be able to live together again I believe, haha. We're soo different but similar in a lot of ways, that it just doesn't really work. I don't know, our relationship just has gone out of sorts since I've moved in. I'm sure once we have that break from each other that it will get back to normal though.
Chris is back in my life again. I don't know how long I've waited for this and there had been a while there where I was completely over him and our past. But it seems for the past couple months that I had been thinking about him soo fucking much and I just didn't know why, then he comes back into my life out of no where..it was just incredibly random. We've hung out twice since he's been back into my life and I'm hoping that we can hang out more. I really do miss him. I don't want him to leave for the army. I just don't know what God has planned for us, I don't know what it is. I'm not trying to ask questions, but I don't know what the reason was to bring us back into each other's life again, just for him to leave again for 5 years. All I know is that I thank God for the time we do share together and I'm gunna pray for him everyday, hoping he makes it back home safe. I don't know where this will go, but I guess we'll see.

Wow. Tony's song just came on. I might ball my fucking eyes out now. I love and miss you Tony. It still hurts that you're gone. I might end up thinking of you for quite a while now. xx

Now off to put my clothes in the dryer and clean and start packing, so I'm READY! Maybe I'll take a shower to cos I feel like I smell like raunch, even though I just took a shower yesterday...awesome.

xoxo

Tunes:

ray lamontagne - be here now
corrine bailey rae - like a star
gorilla zoe - get off of me
earosmith - dream on
a.m. sixty - big as the sky
a.m. sixty - just a dream
lifehouse - broken
frightened rabbit-i feel better
lydia - i woke up near the sea
david e. sugar - although you may laugh
bon iver - skinny love
the kills - tape song
the strokes - under cover of darkness
the naked and famous - young blood
lcd soundsystem - dance yrself clean
elliott smith - needle in the hay
bright eyes - firewall
edith piaf - sous le ciel de paris
regina spektor - apres moi
the white stripes - jolene
arcade fire - neon bible
rad omen - losing tonight
a rocket to the moon - like we used to

"Cause now you're already falling back in love with me. Just fall back in love, yeah just fall back in love."

I hung out with Jeremy and Chris Monday night. We had a little bonfire, drank, roasted some marshmallows and just caught up on old times. I really do miss hanging out just us three. We kept bringing up the past, more then what I expected. "Do you remember when?" were the main questions of the night. I had a good time. Jeremy's girlfriend ended up showing up and hanging for a little before they left Chris and I to hang out. We talked some more, got a little more comfortable, then A LOT more comfortable and we ended up doing stuff that we both wanted to do at the moment but that I'm sort of regretting now. I do miss Chris and this is what I've wanted for the past 4 years, but he's leaving for the Army and I just don't know if I can put myself into a situation where I can potentially fall in love with him again. He's a lot different this time around, but still the same in a lot of ways too. I know it will eventually happen. I want to talk to him about it but I'm avoident at the moment. He called to watch a movie yesterday and I didn't answer. I don't know if it's because I'm just so insecure with how I've let myself go over the years or if I'm afraid of him leaving me again. Either way, I just can't win. I keep telling myself that this is what I've wanted so let it just happen, if he leaves then he leaves. Another part of me doesn't want to take advantage of the sitaution, but more so of him. If that makes sense. Effy keeps popping up in my mind and I'm starting to realize my answer to this great big mess. I want to use him to my benefit and dispose of him whenever I'd like, but then It's almost as if I'm slapping God's hand for bringing him back into my life. I can't misuse this blessing I've prayed so much for. All I know is that I have so much to think about in so little time, I just need to make up my mind. I can be so fickle when it comes to my heart.

"She had come back into his life like a sudden flame, blazing and streaming into his heart. Noah stayed up all night contemplating the certain agony he knew would be his, if he were to lose her twice."

Dream. Dream. Dream.

I had a dream of Perla eating a possum with the tail hanging out and she kept growling at me when I tried to take it away from her. Also, little baby possums were trying to bite my feet and legs. I can't really remember the rest but I thought it was entirely gross.

Dog
To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. The dream dog may also represent someone in your life who exhibits these qualities. Alternatively, to see a dog in your dream, indicates a skill that you may have ignored or forgotten. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it indicates some inner conflict within yourself. It may also indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.
Also consider the notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

Possum
To see a possum in your dream, indicates that something may not be what it appears to be. You need to dig deeper and look for the hidden meaning of some situation or circumstance.

Tail
To see only the tail of an animal in your dream, signifies annoyances and complications in a situation where pleasure was expected. Alternatively, the dream represents balance. Or it may be a pun on "being tailed" as in being followed or chased.
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Dream. Dream. Dream.

Bear
To see a bear in your dream, symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.

Three
Three signifies life, vitality, inner strength, completion, imagination, creativity, energy, self-exploration and experience. Three stands for a trilogy, as in the past, present, and future or father, mother, and child or body, mind, and soul, etc. Dream of the number three may be telling you that the third time is the charm.

Feather
Alternatively, a feather may represent confusion, hastiness, and loss of dignity.
To see a feather in your dream, symbolizes warmth. You are expressing your tender side and a desire to be close to someone. Consider also how the dream may relate to the proverb "birds of a feather flock together". Perhaps you need to break away from the masses or you need to make new friends.
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