Rest Easy:

Mike passed away this morning. My prayers go out to his family.

8/21/2010

Dad: I love you, man.
Mike: I love you too.
Dad: I owe you a lot.
Mike: I'll take it in cash.

Really..this was the hardest part to see.

So I'm sitting here hating myself, because I'm a girl. You know?
Thoughts: My stomach is killing me. Gay. Well I got some stuff to do today, It's sooo nice out :) I'm pumped. Gotta go cash my check, finally I have some cash flow, geez. I finally learned how to do a fishtail braid and I'm pretty excited about that because I've been wanting to learn for so long. I'm not that great at it, I'm such a noob right now. I'm getting closer everyday to my goal weight, which is hard somedays cause I'm super impatient, but I'm taking one day at a time. I'm feeling pretty good about it though, and healthy definitely. I need to go talk to an adviser, I've been slacking so bad on that. The most annoyin thing, is waiting in line, SHOOT MYSELF! I should have learned from last semester that procrastinating the shit out of life, gets you, well fucking no where. I have a feeling it's gunna be hot as fuck today, I can't wait for fall/winter <3 This morning was so cold, and that smell, you know, that crisp smell. DIED :)! I'm trying to get back into soccer since it's gunna be seasoned soon! That's another thing I miss about fall. Soccer, and the wet smell of the grass and fog in the morning. PLEASE! Well the house we wanted ended up being to much in rent each month so the search continues. Which is nice because I liked the house, but I wasn't absolutely in love with it. So I went back on the internet and searched for some places in Vancouver. Found several and showed dad, and we chose two to look at. Rachael called yesterday and said she found another she wants to show us, so hopefully we can do that this weekend :) I'm still excited, I'm in no hurry to pick a house just yet. I want to be IN LOVE with my house, I don't wanna just feel mediocre about it, you know. Mike said to be patient, and when a house is for you especially, you just know. So I'm waiting for that moment :)
Speaking of Mike, I'm praying for him and his family. Dad and I went to go see him on the 21st, and it was just so surreal. I hadn't seen him in a while, but from the last time I saw him to now, he's gotten worse. The Doctors say he only has about 2 weeks to live. I kept playing that over and over in my head, and it just hit me really hard. I mean 2 weeks is not that far...I couldn't imagine being told that. And I'm sitting here with tears welling up, because he was such an amazing guy. I've seen my dad cry before, and I knew he was trying to be strong, but Mike has basically been his mentor for the past several years. He was the one who gave my dad the chance to work with free reins, and that in itself, I thank him for. I've never met anyone who was dying before, so it was all a very new emotion for me...and now I'm just speechless.
One thing though, I have no idea what day of the week it is..Love that.
xx

This is all I wanna do today, but I just can't.

Too many things to get done, sooo little time. We looked at 8 houses yesterday, and we ended up liking two. So altogether we have 3 houses that we have to choose from. Very big decision considering they all have pretty equal pros and cons. So today, we're going to look at just the three of them, to have them fresh in our minds and go from there. I'm really excited though.

Anyways, I'm totally playing BMTH's new single on repeat right now. Fucking amazing. I'm excited for their new record and show in October. It's gunna be exceptionally and equally insane as the last time we went. fun.

Anyways, I just had a cup of coffee and I'm seriously waiting for it to kick in, I don't know if it's gunna happen.

I've had no call backs, and I'm starting to get very impatient....

xx

You don't know this,

But I'm praying for you. I don't think you have any idea how much I care for you (Well you probably do) but I'm hurting for you because I know this isn't you. People keep telling me to leave it alone, but I won't, because that's just not in my nature.

I'm always here for you no matter what, that's what true friends are for.

xx

I took you for granted, now you leave me haunted. What was I suppose to do? I saw you just last night, and it was like you weren't even there. I didn't even care.

Say I missed you, and he whispers in my ear, "I'm here, but I missed you too."

I don't wanna wait around to fall in love, fall in love. I don't wanna wait around to fall in love with you. I wanna fall in love now, and I wanna fall deep. Everything that I've been dying to see, all the world will finally be, in front of me.

My computer has been acting pretty strange for the last couple days, so I've been having to write all my thoughts on paper. I don't know what it is about writing, but I just always feel the need to say something. Nothing important, usually, but at the time, those thoughts mean the world to me. I've always kept journals and diaries since I was in 4th grade. I literally have several journals written page for page hidden in my room.

Writing is my only muse.

Walk in the direction of your fear.

It was so sunny today, I had to get out of the house and do something productive. I went to Clark and decided to enroll for Fall classes, I ended up finding out that I was already enrolled and I basically just needed to talk to an adviser about classes. I'm definitely thinkin business or marketing or some shit like that. I'm really excited about going back, I'm ready to learn some new shit man.
I then went out to Wally World to see about exchanging my bike to a 24, which reminds me, I have to look online to see if they come in different colors :)
Then I went downtown to grab applications for UO and Free People. I already filled em out and I'm ready to turn the damn things in tomorrow. They are both hiring right now, so hopefully I get a fucking call back soon. There were sooo many hot guys in Portland, it was insane. My taste in men is starting to change, but definitely still the same, sort of. IDK I'm a fucking weirdo. Some hot guy tried to stop and talk to me, but of course I was in a damn hurry, so I had to apologize and be on my merry little fucking way. Then on the way back to the car, I saw him again, so he stops me and says, "Second chances are a beautiful and a once in a lifetime thing." But I was still in a hurry, so I apologize again and walk away like a fucking asshole. Seconds later, I see my ex boyfriend and his girlfriend. That was a riot. Today was weird.
We looked at two more houses today. We really have our hearts set on the first one. The whole house was laid out nice and the bedrooms were big, and it had a big ass basement with a bath and bedroom, which is more then likely my place, HA! And the backyard was fucking huge. Almost an acre of land, so that was pretty cool. I'm really excited. I think we're gunna look at one or two more, but I think we're set on that one. We'll see.
xx

Zena and I took Perla out to the dog park. It was her first time, in yes, 10 years. No wonder she hates other animals, I'm to blame.
Towards the end, she was definitely warming up to the other furry friends though, I know she wants to play, she's just nervous...

"Blessed with a burden."

I watched Freedom Writers today. It's been a while since I've seen it but I remember it being good. I didn't expect it to teach me a lesson though. Anyone can make anything happen if they put their mind and effort to do it. Lately, I've been really stressed to go back to school because we're in a transition with money right now. And I keep thinking to myself that I need to get a job to help pay for college. I kept thinking how this movie was inspired by a true story and these kids were brought up worse than myself. I thought if they could do it, then so can I. Why not? The Lord gives us obstacles, and I'm set to overcome mine. "When I say I'm gunna do something, I do it, I don't give a damn what you think." It may take me some time, but we all learn differently and experience differently. I've been thinking about how when I run away from life, I also tend to run away from people that mean the most. But right now, I feel like it's the best way for me to get shit done. No distractions needed. Harsh? Yes. Real? Yes. I've been listening to a lot of new music that I just feel has been encouraging me to really do me. And this is me. No more bullshit, I'm done waiting for the moments that matter. I'm making every moment of my one life matter. That's all I can do anymore. I've been setting goals (dreams, if you will) for myself and I intend to make them happen for me. I'm done settling for this routine of a life, and I won't apologize for chasing my own reality. I won't apologize for waking the fuck up.
I've been spending so much more time with my family and certain people I've been neglecting for a while. I'm getting closer to my father, and I'm finding that communicating with him is becoming easier every day. It's been good.
And for that certain person - You inspired me today. I've been wallowing around in some negativity lately and I'm starting to gain my positivity back :) It feels nice for once. You keep pushing me to be better and to be tougher (yet soft) and to push harder for what I want in life. I'm thanking you now, cos I might forget later.
Elisha & Josh - I think about you and pray for you both always. I'm striving to make you both proud. I hope that wherever you are, that you're safe. I love/miss you both so much.
Tony - I'm sorry.
xx

You know that moment when you're with someone - just you and them, maybe some songs in the background - and you know that moment was gunna happen sooner or later, when that person just cuts the bullshit and breaks down the walls. That moment is raw, and vulnerable, and real. They feel alone, and forgotten. They need to feel something - they just don't know what yet, but it's as if they're saying, "Fuck it, this is me. this is really me. This is what I'm about when it's silent." And you either take em, or leave em. You spend hours talking, sharing deep dark inner secrets, the ones you've been fighting so hard to hold onto - the demons, the skeletons, the ghosts - they're all here too. Some show up faster then others. Sometimes, those moments last up until 6 o'clock in the morning when the sun is getting ready to rise and the sky is this nostalgic gray. How do you feel? Refreshed, invigorated? Alive?

But what happens afterwords? When the rest of the day has dragged on.

You tuck those feelings back in and you wait for the next time you get to break down. It's almost like this is what life has become. We all secretly wait for those moments, because that's when people actually hear you, see you, feel you; and everyone wants those senses stroked.

It's all that matters.

I’m coming to terms, I’m starting to learn.
I should be getting to bed, but of course, I’ll never learn.
So I’m doing a catering tomorrow. I’m really fucking nervous, I have no idea what I’m going to be doing…:/ Hopefully it goes okay though. And hopefully I can find my sunblock because it’s suppose to be hot as fuck! Ugh, I can’t stand this weather anymore. As soon as I step outside my body starts roasting. It’s been so muggy lately, I hate that shit. I can’t wait for cold weather.
Applied for IKEA today, the other places haven’t called back at all. LAME. Maybe I’ll call in tomorrow? It would be cool to work at IKEA too though. I applied for the children’s ballroom. LOL! I know.
Sunday, we’re going to be looking at two more houses. I’m really excited. I’ve also wanted to see this one house out in Camas, it looks so cute, and BIG. We’ll see.
So I’m coming to grips with reality. I’m kinda getting used to the fact that I’m free to do whatever it is I want to. It’s a really weird and scary feeling. So much room for mistakes, but I like it. “Get to failing.”
xx

I’m a dreamer, a soul-searcher and a wanderer.

I am the lone wolf, go where I wanna.

PReggooo!

Pride. Ego. Running away. Dreaming. Getting away. Hoping. Praying. Wishing. Thinking. It's all very exhausting. I need reality. I keep looking for something, but I can't even put a name to it.

I need an answer soon.

Bottle of laughs.

Me: Don't rub your eyes, you'll go blind.

Dad: How do you know.

Me: I just know!

Dad: 40 years later and you're just now telling me this?!

Me: 41. 41 years later. I'm 21 dad.

Dad: Exactly.

Me: I'm 21 years old, I could be done with college by now. Dad, I could be done with college!!

Dad: Bianca, shut up.

Me: I'm just sayin.

HAHA! I love kickin it with my pops

Clearly, I like lists.

• Submit resume’s
• Apply for Fall/Winter classes
• Write Josh
• Look at houses on Monday (Score pool)
• Keep looking for houses
• Lose 10 more pounds

Daydreamer with eyes that make you melt...He lends his coat for shelter.

Totally blasting Adele, her 19 record is something that I legitimately need in my life. I can also legitimately say that my computer is a complete piece of shit.
Anyways I haven't really updated about anything lately. I guess things have been going pretty slow, it's a new change of pace; I'm getting used to it. I kinda feel like I can enjoy more things when I slow down a bit. My thought process is a bit more active lately, but I'm learning. If any of this is making sense, then word.
Dad and I went to look at houses today, I fell in love with this cute two story. UGH. It's a complete wreck, but there is sooo much fucking potential it's amazing. I would post pictures, but I feel it just wouldn't do it justice. All I know is I'm head over heals. We are looking at more of course, and it's not dad's favorite, so I guess we'll see. I'm praying though.
I also went to see a nutritionist for my gallstones today. I feel a lot better about this. My birthday was a complete fail, along with the days following, so seeing a nutritionist was good. Although I went grocery shopping and propped myself up on my own diet. Lost 10 pounds since I last went into the hospital, which she congratulated me and I told her I didn't even know. HAHA! So that was cool.
So I've been jockin this cruiser bike for the past 2 months of my life, and I finally went in and bought it today. I bought a basket for it and everything. I'm "ready and super syked" to take it on a little joy ride. I'm gay. Oh well.
Also, I turned in some resumes and applications at DSW and B&BW. Hoping I get a call back soon. I'm in dire need of a job. LIKE, bad. I've been pretty picky about where I submit resumes though. I know I shouldn't be, cos work is work, BUT, I don't like putting myself in weird situations. Anyways.
I need to go to Clark tomorrow also to start looking at classes. I'm really nervous and I've been totally piddle paddling on that, because I'm a pussay. But, it needs to get done. I'm starting to wonder if the reason why I'm nervous is because once I pick classes then I feel like that's it. That's gunna be my career direction. And being settled and set, well yeah, it scares me. I like options. Lots of them. I don't like settling, never have. We'll see, I guess.
I can't wait for Fall. The end.

I'm praying for this house.

"Since I was 15, I have not given myself 2 weeks of a breather just to deal with myself."
I just got out of the shower, feeling pretty, well I don't know, just thinking about some stuff, mostly this quote. I can smell the coffee from the pot, hoping it doesn't make me sick later on today. And I'm just sitting here thinking about if I'll regret shutting out the entire world for a while. And honestly, my answer is no. I'm ready to finally take control of the driver side. I'm finally ready to deal with all my demons and be alone for a while. Which may I remind you, being alone is not easy. Especially for me. It's really fucking hard actually. There were times when I just wanted to call or text people and ask to see if anyone wanted to drink or dosomething, but I refrained. This past summer I've been finding myself wanting to drink for no reason, just cos I could and just cos it was around. I used to be that way, that was the old me. I guess that's where I started to think that I can't live this way anymore. Eventually I knew I'd be popping pills again or making lines in bathrooms again. I can still feel myself wanting to now that I'm talking about it, but I keep telling myself it's not worth it. It's just not fucking worth it. I think the reason why I'm doing this is to really find myself. Find the reasons why I can't be alone, why I feel the need to drink and do drugs, and why I feel afraid all the time. You can only truly answer those questions when your alone, when the world is quiet and you have no one there to help feed you "Maybe" answers. Sometimes the answers are scary, the truth hurts. But it needs to be done. All my priorities have been piling up over the years and I'm done staring at them, I'm done feeling completely fucking guilty about them. I've just decided that I need to make a change. Usually when I make changes, I ask for help. I can't do that this time. This is my one life, and I need to do it my way for once. I'm searching for happy, and I will find it.
You may (Or may not) ask now why I'm doing this, maybe it's because I'm impulsive or because I'm kind of an extremist. Maybe because I'm always searching for something more, maybe it's because I won't tolerate the routine, or maybe it's just because I don't give a shit about this lifestyle anymore, who really knows. All I know is 5 years from now I'll have something to finally show for.

I'll probably regret saying this later (which I do with 87% of the things I say), but I'm currently listening to Norah Jones and all I want right now is Winter. Summer is just getting so overrated and I just wanna go forth with the plans I have for myself right now. Fall/Winter is so close though and I'm really excited.

I'm so ready for Fall and all the colors, cool breath, and change it'll bring. Along with that cool crisp air which makes me enjoy living in Washington that much more. I'm ready for Winter to bring nights cozied up by the fire, layered clothes, mittens and pink noses, pale skin, hot cocoa, Christmas, family, love, cinnamon and spices, the strong smell of pine and some light jazz tunes playin in the background.

"I've always wanted to sound like Tom Waits." - Nora Jones

It's a done deal, adding Scotch to my daily routine of smoking cigarettes.

You never really realize what you have until it's gone, until all the memories flash before your eyes in one split moment.

Dear Kevin,

I really miss you dude. I can't even remember the last time I talked to you. But it's weird because I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Honestly, I have no idea how to get a hold of you, but trust me, I'm trying. We had so many memories and it's weird how they can flash through your mind, I guess I'm just wondering where you've been.

Remember when all you guys went to the strip clubs? And I was the only girl tagging along? Yeah, awkward. You guys were so pissed cos all the strippers were giving me so much attention. I thought it was a riot though, because it was my first time and I didn't know what to expect. I guess they all thought I was a fucking lesbian cos I was with a bunch of bros. But no, I like dick thank you very much.

Remember when you took me down to the waterfront in Portland? I didn't know what to think, I always wondered if that was a date. I could always tell you everything though. Especially about how all the pretty girls walked around in shorts that summer and here I was in blue jeans. It sucked, but you liked me anyway. We walked around for awhile before finally jumping into the big water fountain and getting completely soaked! It was so exhilarating cos everyone was looking at us like we were fucking insane, which we were. Then we had some guy pedal us to the car, and the whole time we were contemplating on what to tip him because neither of us had any cash...Which we ended up scrounging up some change and felt like total assholes because it was a long bike ride to the car, but we laughed and apologized anyways. We were soaked and chaffing and smelling pretty foul, rocking out to Emery on the way home. I always loved your voice.

Remember when you wrote that song for me, which I can't for the life of me remember what it was about, except for you sang, "I love you." Which I knew wasn't true, but it was cute all the same. I remember, you would always get me to sing in front of you. You always thought I would sound like Alicia Keys. Which I did not, and do not. But I remember there was this one song I was in love with that summer. 'Don't Die In Me' by Mirah (Which I just so happen to be listening to on repeat right now, for nostalgic sake.) We were out in my car, in the middle of the night smoking a cigarette, and I told you if you could figure out the chords then I'll sing it for you, which you did, and I was scared shitless. Trust me I had practiced a lot that night. (You don't know this.) I wish you could sing my song again though. I need to hear your voice, which you always hated. I always had to boost your self confidence, but it was endearing because you always had to boost mine.

Remember when we road tripped to Seattle and got shit faced drunk and you and Nick saw all the naked pictures of me in my phone? I was so fucking humiliated and pissed. Nick apologized and so did you, but still dude. It was a bit weird. The rest of the vacation I was so nervous about how you guys thought of me after that, and you were acting so strange. I remember when you tried to make a move on me that night. I'm sorry I shut you down.

Remember the New Year's before that? We ended up making out, and I was laughing because you kept saying how beautiful I was. I've never been the type to take in compliments well. So I just laughed, like some dumb queer. But I ended up not caring cos we were both high off of those lines we had done in the bathroom upstairs and drunk from the '99 bananas' bottle Marty kept passing around all night. I was the reason why that fight broke out, you know where the guns were pulled, and the cops were called? (Again, you don't know this) and I ended up going home with Chandler because I thought he was soooo damn hot. I think you were jealous. I'm sorry.

I never knew if what we had would have turned into anything, I guess I just wouldn't allow it at the time because I was scared shitless. Well my heart was. You always talked about us being together, and even made me feel guilty because you had written a song for me, which you've never done for any other girl. It was just that Chris had really ruined me that summer (Hence why Mirah was my favorite song.) I didn't know if you were for real. I didn't know if we were for real. I got so pissed when I found out you had a girlfriend, and then again when I found out that you were going to be a father, and now again while I'm writing this because I burnt bridges with a really good friend, but that's nothing new.

I really miss you Kevin. And I hope that with whatever you're doing, that you're happy.

I'm waiting for you to come into my life and sweep me off my feet,
I've never been one to sit, but I'm waiting so patiently.

Oh, you know..

Just about to get ready to hang out with the coolest person I know...

Shit I've accomplished lately:

• Get printer ink
• Get paper for resume's
• Print out resume's
• Call mom
• Clean house
• Cash check
• Call/Make appointment with nutritionist
• Get Library card/Check out books

Shit I still need to accomplish:

• Submit resume's
• Apply for Fall/Winter classes
• Write Josh
• Look at houses on Monday (Score pool)

Notice, I like to totally lolly gag for a while before I get to the actual important stuff.

Playlist.

In no particular order:

• Mumford & Sons - Winter Winds
• Local Natives - Who Know, Who Cares
• The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
• The Morning Benders - Wet Cement
• Maroon 5 - Misery
• The Eagles - Take It Easy
• The Steelwells - This Dance Is Out Of Your Hands
• Freelance Whales - Starring
• Dr. Dog - Shadow People
• George Stanford - Meet Me In L.A.
• Arcade Fire - Ready to Start
• Dave Barnes - On A Night Like This
• Rob Thomas - Now Comes the Night
• Frightened Rabbit - Nothing Like You
• Matt White - Moment of Weakness
• Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man
• Civil Twilight - Letters From The Sky
• Andrew Bird - Fake Palindromes
• Graham Colton - If Love Was Enough
• Josh Ritter - Idaho
• Matt Costa - I Tried
• Michael Buble' - Haven't Met You Yet
• Jakob Dylan - I Told You I Couldn't Stop
• Eye Alaska - I Knew You'd Never Fly
• Jackie Green - I Don't Live In A Dream
• Jeff Bridges - I Don't Know
• Ray LaMontagne - Hold You In My Arms
• Ryan Adams - Harder Now That's It's Over
• Griffin House - The Guy That Says Goodbye To You
• Vampire Weekend - Giving Up The Gun
• The Morning Benders - Excuses
• Mumford & Sons - Dust Bowl Dance
• Ryan Adams - Desire
• Freelance Whales - Broken Horse
• The National - Bloodbuzz Ohio
• Fight From Above - Between the Curves
• Jon McLaughlin - Beautiful Disaster
• The Steelwells - Boxes
• Amy Macdonald - Run
• Donovan Frankenreiter - Hit The Ground Running

"We're saying, 'We don't wanna be cliche' when we move to LA,' I don't wanna go back to my old ways." - Me

Who's 21? This girl.

I'll probably spend it drinkin coffee or Dr. Pepper. That's how I get down.