You never really realize what you have until it's gone, until all the memories flash before your eyes in one split moment.

Dear Kevin,

I really miss you dude. I can't even remember the last time I talked to you. But it's weird because I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Honestly, I have no idea how to get a hold of you, but trust me, I'm trying. We had so many memories and it's weird how they can flash through your mind, I guess I'm just wondering where you've been.

Remember when all you guys went to the strip clubs? And I was the only girl tagging along? Yeah, awkward. You guys were so pissed cos all the strippers were giving me so much attention. I thought it was a riot though, because it was my first time and I didn't know what to expect. I guess they all thought I was a fucking lesbian cos I was with a bunch of bros. But no, I like dick thank you very much.

Remember when you took me down to the waterfront in Portland? I didn't know what to think, I always wondered if that was a date. I could always tell you everything though. Especially about how all the pretty girls walked around in shorts that summer and here I was in blue jeans. It sucked, but you liked me anyway. We walked around for awhile before finally jumping into the big water fountain and getting completely soaked! It was so exhilarating cos everyone was looking at us like we were fucking insane, which we were. Then we had some guy pedal us to the car, and the whole time we were contemplating on what to tip him because neither of us had any cash...Which we ended up scrounging up some change and felt like total assholes because it was a long bike ride to the car, but we laughed and apologized anyways. We were soaked and chaffing and smelling pretty foul, rocking out to Emery on the way home. I always loved your voice.

Remember when you wrote that song for me, which I can't for the life of me remember what it was about, except for you sang, "I love you." Which I knew wasn't true, but it was cute all the same. I remember, you would always get me to sing in front of you. You always thought I would sound like Alicia Keys. Which I did not, and do not. But I remember there was this one song I was in love with that summer. 'Don't Die In Me' by Mirah (Which I just so happen to be listening to on repeat right now, for nostalgic sake.) We were out in my car, in the middle of the night smoking a cigarette, and I told you if you could figure out the chords then I'll sing it for you, which you did, and I was scared shitless. Trust me I had practiced a lot that night. (You don't know this.) I wish you could sing my song again though. I need to hear your voice, which you always hated. I always had to boost your self confidence, but it was endearing because you always had to boost mine.

Remember when we road tripped to Seattle and got shit faced drunk and you and Nick saw all the naked pictures of me in my phone? I was so fucking humiliated and pissed. Nick apologized and so did you, but still dude. It was a bit weird. The rest of the vacation I was so nervous about how you guys thought of me after that, and you were acting so strange. I remember when you tried to make a move on me that night. I'm sorry I shut you down.

Remember the New Year's before that? We ended up making out, and I was laughing because you kept saying how beautiful I was. I've never been the type to take in compliments well. So I just laughed, like some dumb queer. But I ended up not caring cos we were both high off of those lines we had done in the bathroom upstairs and drunk from the '99 bananas' bottle Marty kept passing around all night. I was the reason why that fight broke out, you know where the guns were pulled, and the cops were called? (Again, you don't know this) and I ended up going home with Chandler because I thought he was soooo damn hot. I think you were jealous. I'm sorry.

I never knew if what we had would have turned into anything, I guess I just wouldn't allow it at the time because I was scared shitless. Well my heart was. You always talked about us being together, and even made me feel guilty because you had written a song for me, which you've never done for any other girl. It was just that Chris had really ruined me that summer (Hence why Mirah was my favorite song.) I didn't know if you were for real. I didn't know if we were for real. I got so pissed when I found out you had a girlfriend, and then again when I found out that you were going to be a father, and now again while I'm writing this because I burnt bridges with a really good friend, but that's nothing new.

I really miss you Kevin. And I hope that with whatever you're doing, that you're happy.