"Since I was 15, I have not given myself 2 weeks of a breather just to deal with myself."
I just got out of the shower, feeling pretty, well I don't know, just thinking about some stuff, mostly this quote. I can smell the coffee from the pot, hoping it doesn't make me sick later on today. And I'm just sitting here thinking about if I'll regret shutting out the entire world for a while. And honestly, my answer is no. I'm ready to finally take control of the driver side. I'm finally ready to deal with all my demons and be alone for a while. Which may I remind you, being alone is not easy. Especially for me. It's really fucking hard actually. There were times when I just wanted to call or text people and ask to see if anyone wanted to drink or dosomething, but I refrained. This past summer I've been finding myself wanting to drink for no reason, just cos I could and just cos it was around. I used to be that way, that was the old me. I guess that's where I started to think that I can't live this way anymore. Eventually I knew I'd be popping pills again or making lines in bathrooms again. I can still feel myself wanting to now that I'm talking about it, but I keep telling myself it's not worth it. It's just not fucking worth it. I think the reason why I'm doing this is to really find myself. Find the reasons why I can't be alone, why I feel the need to drink and do drugs, and why I feel afraid all the time. You can only truly answer those questions when your alone, when the world is quiet and you have no one there to help feed you "Maybe" answers. Sometimes the answers are scary, the truth hurts. But it needs to be done. All my priorities have been piling up over the years and I'm done staring at them, I'm done feeling completely fucking guilty about them. I've just decided that I need to make a change. Usually when I make changes, I ask for help. I can't do that this time. This is my one life, and I need to do it my way for once. I'm searching for happy, and I will find it.
You may (Or may not) ask now why I'm doing this, maybe it's because I'm impulsive or because I'm kind of an extremist. Maybe because I'm always searching for something more, maybe it's because I won't tolerate the routine, or maybe it's just because I don't give a shit about this lifestyle anymore, who really knows. All I know is 5 years from now I'll have something to finally show for.