For the times they are a-changin'.

I'm so excited about life. I can feel a lot of change and vulnerability in the air and I really love it. I'm scared shitless of course, but that's what's so exhilarating. I haven't felt this green in a while. It's alluring and I'm being pulled in with full force. I can't stop myself now, my minds been made up. I'm just doing me for now on.

I finally got my wish to see you :) I was kinda surprised how it happened too, but either way it happened so I'm not really complaining. Every time I'm with you, I seriously try and take it all in and just try to live in the moment. I thank God for the moments spent with you, even if you don't know that I like you, yet. I just always feel so comfortable when I'm around you, except when you talk about how fine other girls are, then I get closed off, stray, and flirt with other guys. I don't want to do that, I wanna flirt with you, I wanna talk to you, I wanna be with you. I'm just so afraid to kinda let down my guard right now. I've held it up past the sky for 3 years, and it's scary to break down those doors to let you in. But I'm trying, every time I think about you, your retarded laugh, or your smile, or when you hug me, it just makes it all worth it :) You just make me feel so full and alive. I feel like you're worth it, and take that shit in, because not many people have ever made me feel that way.
It's amazing how up up up my life is looking<3 My next wish is for you to start falling for me, please.

I have a lot on my mind, but yet at the same time, I just wanna fall into dream land. hmmm....

Pet day.

I needa get the ball rolling on things...

• Find a job
• Go to Aspenridge
• Stick with diet
• Call Dr. about getting on a nutrition diet for my gallstones
• Get a better sleep schedule

Got my wish :)

I just found out I'm having girls weekend with my best friend and her mom. We're all three going to the beach for Tracy's birthday, the second week of August. I'm so excited and can't wait :) I'll be 21 on the 1st, so we're also going to walk to the bars and drink all night. Should be a blasty blast.
Now my second wish is to see Nick :) Make it happen, please.

Current situations that are bothering me...

• Losing weight! Nuff said.
• Dom dating Nikki and just shutting everyone out for the past 5,000 years. Nikki being the biggest bitch alive.
• Kristen moving back into Ryan's because her dumb ass boyfriend left her. Sorry bitch, that's not Ryan's problem. And I swear if he starts doing what Dom is doing, then I'll beat your pregnant ass. I don't give a fuck, DO NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MY BEST FRIEND cos I'll kill you.
• Tony not being here to make new memories with us. I love you Tony, we all do. Some of us may never show it, but people deal with their shit in different ways I guess. We all wish you could be here.
• Chris dating Lindsey! hahah! C'mon Chris, either you can do so much better or you just needa stay single man! LOL Take your pick!
• Looking for an apartment, not having a job to support myself, my dad, and my habits :( Not spending enough time with my family.
• Nick being on probation and doing things that are just unacceptable. If only you knew how much I really do care about you...I wish I was closer to you, so you at least have someone to talk to about it all. Maybe Danny and I will bring you Donut Peaches soon :) You know, "Because they are like Donut's, but they are peaches, but they look like Donut's, so you like never gain weight." HAHA! You're a trip! Miss you.

It's all about those nights where you just sit on the ground with your best friend and just stare at the stars and talk about anything and everything...Then wondering where the fuck the moon is at?!!??!

So I'm planning on taking my crush out to see a movie. Of course not by myself, he doesn't even know I see him like that yet. So I'm going with Danny and her crush and some of our other friends. And if he doesn't show up for some reason, then I'm gunna be totally pissed! I haven't seen him in what seems like 50,000 years and I need to SEE him! I'm just bouncing the ball back in forth on whether I wanna pursue someone who is completely unavailable right now. Liking someone who is NEVER around gets really old fast! I just wish I could call him without making it seem like I'm desperate as fuck. But this is where I'm standing with my life right now, I'm just on the fence...I'm young, I should be having fun, not be sprung up on some guy. But I keep telling myself that if I don't give it a shot, I'll never know what will happen...UGH. I guess I just need to be patient, which isn't one of my strong points. I really don't know what to do...

• Danny: I was thinking about asking Ryan, Kyle, and Nick to see if they wanted to go see Eclipse with us.
• Me: I already asked Ryan if he wanted to go see Eclipse and he asked if I started doing crack again, so we should pick an action movie..And one that's before Nick's bedtime.
• Danny: Haha! Okay! Well we will see what other good movies are out and we will go around like 5?
• Me: Party on!

I like you, you don't seem to have noticed.

I need to see you. Like right fucking now. The butterflies in my stomach keep driving me crazy. I just wanna hear your voice, and hear your goofy ass laugh. And I wanna know your mind and just talk with you. Just having you in the same room is enough. Why the fuck are you on parole? You're so lame!! This 9 o'clock curfew is just not doing it for me right now!!! I wanna be able to hang out with you more and do stuff together, like go out on little adventures this summer but I guess it's just not happening the way I'd like...I don't know if it's even worth pursuing anymore...

It's weird though because you came at me so fast, now you're all I think about, all I care to think about really. I just keep asking myself what all I thought about before you...Because now it's just all you. I wish I was already closer to you so that I can take a drive over to your house and just lay in your room and just hang out. Honestly, all of everything I'm talking about is nonsense, but it's okay because I could write about you forever and just be happy about it. I don't know, I just need you next to me.

Happy Birthday!

Happy 4th of July & Happy 21st Birthday Danny!

Tonight is going to be one to remember :))
Plus, I get to see my crush tonight!

Siiiisstterrrs!

From the bottom of my heart, I love you.

Thank you. That's all I can say to you, and I'm crying as I'm writing this because I know it was you. I missed you so much and I thought I was going to go the rest of my life without a dream from you, I thought I was forgetting you, but turns out you were there all along. Everyone in the room was so happy to see you, it seemed like your birthday or something and they were all laughing and having a good time and I was taking non stop pictures and videos. You came over to me and grabbed me and snapped a photo of me and you. We were still hugging, waiting for another picture and I thought to myself, I may never see you again or hold you again, and I've longed for it for so fucking long. I may never have a dream about you again, so I needed to take the moment to just hold you and cry. And I did. I knew I was having a lucid dream, but I didn't care. It felt so real. And I was crying and you were holding me and you asked me what was wrong even though you already knew. And I looked around the room, because know one else did. You are gone, and I know this. So I said "I just missed you so much.", and I held you tighter and cried harder and you said, "I know, I missed you too." Then I woke up, balling my eyes out and knowing. I know that was you Tony, I just fucking know. I'm just thanking you from the bottom of my heart that you came to be with me, especially now. Everything has been going so great and I'm finally loving my life, and I've been thinking about you so much lately. I don't ever want to forget you. I don't ever want you to forget me. I feel like you came down on purpose, to remind me that I'm doing a good job of living in the moment, or at least I feel I am. And how proud you are of me. And maybe even to make fun of me for the fact that I'm still in love with Dom, or that I'm falling for Nick. HAHA! But either way, I wish we could have talked longer. Come hang out with me again soon please, and take your time, I'm in no hurry. I'm just glad you came at all. And I just have this feeling your in a better place. I love you Tony, I really do. And you already know I miss you boo, Rest Easy. <33
"life n life 1 day at a time."
xx
P.s. Watch over Dom please, I feel like he's taking it the hardest.

June 26th, 2010

The day you made me feel wild; the day you made me feel alive.

The mark of a true crush is that you fall in love first and look for reasons afterward.
OK, I'm done second guessing myself. I keep telling myself to slow the fuck down and enjoy having a fat crush on you. But I really just can't help it. I purposely listen to songs, or read quotes or watch movies that remind me of you. And when someone brings up your name, my eyes light up and I look like a queer. And when no one is talking about you, I try and look for ways to bring you up in conversation. I get so excited when we pass your house, which we do 50,000 times a day because it's on the way to Danny's house. When I try not to think about you, I realize that I'm thinking about you, and I just get an incredible amount of butterflies. I don't know what you do to me, but it feels good. I really haven't felt this alive in a long time and I just wanted to thank you :) I'm glad you came to the beach.

When the fair comes into town, I wanna ride this with you :) I’ll more then likely be buzzed but that’s OK <33

Obvi.

You're everything I ask for, everything I ask for, and so much more.

So I'm really not feeling this chasing and chasing. HAHA! It kinda sucks sometimes! I wish I wasn't so damn giddy and shy around you, maybe then you'd be able to see the old me again. It sucks to know that I like you now, because we had such a good friendship. I mean what do you do after you realize you actually like a friend of yours? I don't even know where to even start! I wanna say I should just be chill and be myself and just go with the flow, but it's hard to go with the flow when I keep thinking about that kiss. It caught me so off guard the way you were all over me! You were wasted and I was buzzed and wide awake! I thought you'd do anything for a lay then..but I admit I was a bit scared, but at the same time I really did like it. And I really do like you. I just don't know how to tell you, or even act around you now for that matter. And I feel like I'm the only one in the room that feels the tension in the air. So I'm the only one sitting there acting really fucking awkward. Our conversations use to be so free and open and off limits, I miss that. I just keep telling myself that I'll do that the next time I see you, but when I do see you, it's like nothing comes out. I'll fight in my mind back in forth and just tell myself to just say something, anything. And I figure you don't talk to me cos I'm not talking to you, so then I just avoid you at all cost. I tell myself 'just act like you don't give a shit'. I have a feeling that if I keep this up I might as well dig my grave now and fall in it, because sooner or later this whole situation will be so irrelevant and you'll more then likely move on. It's so fucking annoying. It's also annoying that you don't have a cellphone, and I can't even call you or text you. I can't even ask to hang out. So I wake up every morning wondering if I'll even see you at all. But when I do see you, even if I can't talk to you, it's incredible. Just being around you is enough...for now. You make me feel so fucking alive and I haven't felt that way in a really long time. You make me want to be a better me. I just wish I could tell you this. I wish I can tell everyone this, that I like you. That's all. I hope you think of me the way I think of you, because I really can't take not seeing you everyday. And I really wish you would just make another move. I mean you've done it before, so really, what's once more?