if you're still alive. my regrets are few. if my life is mine. what shouldn't i do. i get wherever i'm going. i get whatever i need.

i've always gotten excited the day before my birthday but that's because i was always a teen. technically i still am, but tomorrow i'm gonna be 20 and i'm really not looking forward to it. when i was a teenager i always couldn't wait for my 20th or 21st but now i just don't wanna get older. i just wanna stay young forever. being older means responsibilities. and i'm far from responsible. i mean i was always excited for birthdays because that meant i was one year older to being on my own, it meant another year to start fresh. just like a new years resolution. i always put high hopes in my birthdays hoping to come out on top and be where i wanna be and do what i wanna do only to find out my next birthday i'm doing the same damn thing i was last year. i don't want another year of regret and failure. i don't know what the future holds, i just know i'm done putting hope in my birthdays.

i love the way you say goodmorning, and you take me the way i am.

so only 6 more days!!! woo! i'm probably gonna cry when i see him! lol i've been waiting this whole freakin time, probably too long. i sent him numbers for apartments, so he could possibly have one set up when he gets here!
i have so many things i need to do before august!
i need to get my taxes done. i got an extension, and of course leave it me to wait to the last minute to do them, AGAIN! lol shit. so many things are gonna change when he gets here. i've been planning on it. hopefully everything turns out for the best, and all this stress and drama dwindles. but anyways i'm just really excited as you can tell!!
so anyways i should probably get the ball rolling on things now. gotta get ready for work!! i gotta remember to take mags so i won't be bored. bah hah! it's gonna suck if i forget them, which is probably gonna happen. anyways gotta go!!

strike another match, go start anew.

it seems like ever since i got back from cali no one cares i'm home. they talked and talked about how much they missed me and how i need to move back home and now that i'm here no one cares. actions speak a lot louder then words and it's all talk now. i'm sick of it. it just makes me wanna move again. but i'm not going too. i know who has been there for me no matter what, you know who you are and this doesn't have anything to do with you. either i'm just being bitchy, or i'm just being real. i'm tired of dancing around everything. i'm tired of being nice, and scared to raise my voice in hopes of protecting every ones feelings. i've been every ones lifeboat for far too long. i've cared about everyones feelings that couldn't give shit about mine for far too long. when they were hurt, i was hurt. but not anymore. that shits over and done with, because now that i need help, everyone scatters. stupid shit. i'm just planning to drop all the shady people from my life here pretty soon. it's time to start focusing on myself. i need a new life and new friends.
p.s. if you are offended by this, blow me.

broken. how much for happy?

seriously, like all i wanna do is change. do my own thing. love and care for myself. be a better person. follow my dreams. move on. be happy for him. he's obviously happy and has moved on. i figured out that the only reason i'm not happy and hold back is because of him. so in reality i'm making myself unhappy. i wanna be happy. i just know that in the end God did this for a reason and he saw that being with him wasn't good for me and was making me unhappy. i just need to forgive him and move one. maybe forgiving him is my closure.
happy.happy.happy.happy.happy. lots of happys in this blog haha. annoying.

I really wish i could help people more, i wish that whatever anyone needed i could give to them, i wish i was fantastic at giving people advice and i wish i could turn frowns into smiles, i hate to see people cry, even if i dont know them that well seeing them cry makes me cry too, I'm probably the most sensitive person you will ever meet.

I'm Going In For The Kill.

we'll find truth at the end of those broken promises. you were better off without me.

lately i've been getting into a lot of fashion. mostly vintage peices and chanel clothing. i think peices that normally wouldn't go together, actually compliment each other. idk. anyways i'm sitting at crises house super bored waiting for fili to get here. he's taking forever!!

so i think my baby has a tumor in her ear. it's sad. i'm thinking extremes when it's probably nothing serious. and then libby got a bunch of porcupine needles stuck in her nose.:( sad. sad.

yeah, so i'm trying to find another job for the beginning of fall. i need some extra money. baaad.

anyways i'm bored with my life. i really need some excitment :( nothing is drawing my attention. except oli. ha ha.

danny and i signed up for 24hour, so that should occupy my time for a while. we'll see.

i either have add or i'm just retarded because i get too distracted my the small things and i never get anything done. i realized that everything that once was super intrigueing to me, i find really boring now. it's hard for me to sit still sometimes when all i wanna do is run. i'm still working on my project, only because there is nothing to inspire me in vancouver....

anyways i'm still waiting for his ass to get here. which should be soon because i need to go workout....

Secret #5091.)

The future freaks me out.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask,

“Is life a multiple choice test or is it a true or false test?”Then a voice comes to me out of the dark and says, “We hate to tell you this but life is a thousand word essay ”