home for the weekend looking for a good time, of all the numbers you end up calling mine.

“where were you when i needed you most? why did you leave me alone? we gave up before we gave it a chance and i don’t understand.”

it’s not okay for me to feel this way. it was so long ago, heart, please move on. i figured i would be okay. every time that i look at you i’m reminded of what we have been through. this routine has become so tiring; It was never as easy as it was before you and I lost touch. this might sound crazy, but I don’t know how to let you go. it’s hard to keep on fighting, when all you know is losing. tell me why these past 2 years have been a living hell. “maybe we should take some time to think about what we should do.”

Sparked up, sparked up, like a book of matches.

No matter where you go, what you do, who you are, what you feel, what you think; life goes on. It won’t stop for you, it won’t stop for anyone. I’ve tried getting it to stop...it doesn’t stop. It won’t wait for you. It will leave you in the dust. Life is the biggest bully in high school, it’s your best heartache and your worst heartbreak. It’s losing all you are for one person. It’s getting smacked in the face when you’ve said something out of place. It’s losing your best friend. Life is rude, harsh, cruel, heart wrenching. The world always tells you how, how messed up Life is. Why can’t they see? Life...life is what you make it. You make life rude, harsh, cruel, and heart wrenching. Life can be beautiful. Life is the daisies in the hills, Life is the soft smile from the one who makes your heart fly, Life is the sound of my guitar, Life is the feel of the summer sun on your face, Life is fresh air, Life is an ocean breeze. Life will leave you in the dust...but that’s just because Life has to run it’s natural course. Life is living for everyone; it’s your choice on whether to stay in the dust, or finish the race with everyone else, but no matter where you go, the sun will still set, and the flowers will still rise.

We're all vampires and we own this fucking night!

So my dad called last night pretty upset because he thinks the only reason i moved back home was to be with my friends and not do anything with my life. maybe he has a point, because it got me thinking if that's really why i moved back too. now i have to stop being lazy and get movin!

i can’t talk at all lately. i forget things as soon as i think them. If I had one wish, it would be to disappear entirely. Erase my existence. Have people forget about me in my entirety. this was me a few months ago. i think im getting my voice back.

dear boy,

i know you think these words are for you but they are not. they’re for him.

k thanx,
me

All this shit I'm seeing about 'the perfect boy' ...

Is really starting to piss me off.

The sensitive sort of young man you are pursuing will turn into a simpering little weakling before your very eyes. By the time you realize that you can’t be bothered with mothering him through his bastard PMS any longer, he will suddenly decide that he simply cannot breathe without you, and turn fucking creepy.

Fact of the day!

You caught me off guard, now i'm running and screamin.

so last night was pretty fun. we all went driving around and went into the rich neighborhoods and played ding dong ditch. haha but of course we had to pick all the houses with the long drive ways so we had to book it for like 5 minutes to the car. no one really came out, it was like 2 in the morning. we were deciding if we wanted to go to the haunted hospital but none of us had a flash light. so that was out of the question. we wanted to go tagging but none of us wanted to be the one to have to buy the spray cans. so that was also out of the question. skinny dipping was in our plan too, but it was raining. so that's why we ended up ding dong ditching. :) in the back of my mind i knew we weren't gonna get caught. but i was just thinking it would be so embarrassing if we did. i could see the cops looking at us like were idiots because randall is 20 and the rest of us will be turning 20 in the next couple months. soo..were all basically 20 playing kiddy games. that was a riot to think about. who cares, danielle and i still feel like were 16 anyways. it's fun how we all bring out the little kids in each other. :D but next time we'll just go to portland, throw a picnic, and play duck duck goose like we used to when we were 16. those were some good times.
so we got home around 5-ish and i was so beat. i decided to take a shower though because i knew i wasn't gonna wake up in time to take one before work, but it was a nice relaxing shower. :) i was gonna wash clothes after but i was like nope i'm going to bed. i felt like i could sleep forever!!
anyways i'm at work, relaxing basically. i just cleaned the desk area and washed some mirrors.
i'm kinda bored but i get to close in an hour and half. woop! AND i'm taking the gold fish home :) ashley, david, and i have been looking at that dirty fish tank for too long. were all really proud of how long they have lasted though. our fish don't fuck around, they're cham pee owns!! haha

I hope that someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight, and that’s all they do. They don’t pull away. They don’t look at your face. They don’t try to kiss you. All they do is wrap you up in their arms, without an ounce of selfishness in it.

i'm looking for real love.

I like sense of humors. someone who won't laugh at me when i dance like a doofus. and won't think all the music i listen to is weird, even though it is. someone i can be totally uninhibited around. i basically need someone i can be loud and obnoxious with. i may have found him.

Good talks.

I had an interesting talk with danny and jr the other night. i basically got told that i need to work on stepping out of my element and not have one type. i know i only stick to one type and i know i'm way too shallow. and i know its gonna get me no where in the end and i'm gonna be lonely for a very long time. but i don't know though, i mean i look at is as not settling for less. i'd rather wait for someone i can absolutely fall in love with and be happy with them instead of dating around casually. but i also can see myself never being happy or being satisfied because i do put my type up on a pedestal. i don't know i just wish it was easier. i'm tired of chasing. why can't a guy come after me for once?
also i need to work on my social anxiety. i mean it's not that i'm a bitch or that i'm insecure because i'm actually very genuine and i actually am very happy with who i am. people just don't take the time to actually get to know me. because apparently i already have the reputation of being a bitch. i'm not, i'm just funny and sarcastic. i like to crack jokes and get people laughing. plus i think its so hot when people can get there panties out of a bunch, let go, and laugh at themselves. it's very good character. so i have no idea why i let my anxiety get the best of me. i mean, yeah, sometimes i get in one of my moods and i like to sit back, relax, and observe but then i don't know why i get stuck in the mode. sometimes i feel like everyone is talking shit about me and i know thats a sort of cocky and arrogant thing to say but it's true. now that i think about it, really, maybe i can get insecure...? i need to figure that one out and work on it. :)

oh where, oh where did you go?

i'm slowly losing my fucking mind.
i can't seem to get a hold of my motivation. i can't find my creativity. i'm so stuck with this shit. i know i told myself that the official due date would be the beginning of fall. but now that nothing is coming, i'm starting to feel extremely pressured. i'm just hoping that i can get it done by the end of summer. right now i feel like i need to maybe take a mini vacation to get my thoughts together. and get some stuff down for once. i know i've done a few things here and there, but it's not good enough....i think. and danny you need to get your shit together lol and help me out because i'm feeling all alone in this..
for those who have no idea what i'm talking about..i'm talking about my project.
also, it doesn't help that i don't have a car so that i can go and get some information about some things and i know what i'm doing isn't rocket science, it's actually quite simple, but in order for it to be simple i just need to get away, and go somewhere where im soooo fucking overwhelmed with inspiration that i start crying and my fucking heart explodes. lol jk but really though.
so my question is...does anybody know places where i can go to let my imagination just completely take over??

any freakin ways, i'm at work and the computer keeps turning off on me. it has sooo many viruses on this computer it's not even funny. i think it's great because i'll be talking to a customer and this random porn site will pop up on the computer. my customers probably think i'm a complete freak!! agh! not okay!
this guy came into my work earlier and he was one of those guys that had a "yeah you want this, and i can have you if i wanted to." attitude. i laughed because he wasn't even my type, and he went to my high school. i'll try not to explain my type because then you'll probably think i'm super wierd. lol and shallow. but i'll admit i AM super wierd...and shallow. i promise. lol
i just got an application for forever 21. i'm staring at it wondering if i should fill it out or not. i mean i love the store but im not sure if i would want to work there. besides i'm working 5 days a week at glow golf and that means i'll only be able to work 2 days there. im pretty sure that's kinda pointless. also the thought of working 7 days a week is completely blowing my mind!! but i'm insane so i'll probably turn it in for the hell of it!!
i've been meaning to blog about the freakin battery being dead on my laptop. so now i have to get a brand new battery, plus charger, plus get my compter cleaned, plus get a virus protector put on it, which i have no idea how much that is gonna cost me but i'm pretty positive that it's gonna put a dent in my wallet. :(
i've also been mean to talk about how much i wanna retire my monroe, but i've had it for so long, it's gonna be tough. lol but i am getting my nose peirced. i don't know if i wanna get my septum done or get my actual nose done...hmmm something to definitly think about...
also i'm trying to get ideas on my tattoos. i'm for sure getting my lip, wrists, and nuckles done. i'm thinking about getting both sleeves but thats for waayy later down the road!! :D
oh my gosh the hottest guy just walked into my work a little bit ago. :)) he looked kinda like spencer chamberlain but A LOT cuter! and then i saw another one coming down the escalators! haha danielle basically told me it's summer and they are all coming out to play!!
i'm so excited for summer though. moving out, LA, tour, road trips, SEATTLE, SHOWS!!, seeing my man! my dads moving back home! i have way to many things that i get pretty obsessed about!
so yeah, that's basically all i have to say. nothing really exciting. im finally closing for work. woop. :) and david just waved at me..haha random..what a goof troop!
i'm coming into work tomorrow for some extra hours...so feel free to stop by!! it's gonna be ashley and i working. AND ASHLEY, BIANCA, GLOW GOLF, BOREDOM, AND SUNDAYS always equals an INTENSE SCENERIO. bahhaha.

Random Update [QUATRO]

Summer is a creep.
I basically can't touch anything without cutting it into shreds, almost like Edward Scissorhands.
There's something in me that always wants more...more moons, more stars, and more music in the wind.
I can't eat anything without getting stains on my clothes.
I need to stop over analyzing everything. "Take things for what they are." is the best advise i've gotten so far.
My weakness is turning a good thing into a bad thing.
My strength is turning a bad thing into a good thing. very strange.
I only hand out one time chances, then i move on.
I need to work on the art of conversation and the art of flirting.haha.
I hate blowing up balloons at my work.
I really wish i had a british accent!!!!
Becuase i'm so shallow i'm afraid i'll never be satisfied and i'll never find anyone. Although im pretty sure i found him, he doesn't even know i freakin love him!
I need to stop eating junk food and get healthy!
I need to find new motivation for my project.
I'm tired of being made into a fool by chasing after guys, i need someone to chase after me for once.
I'm a leo. I'm complicated. I'm misunderstood.
I can't wait to go back to school!!
I can't wait to move to Seattle!!
I can't wait for LA.
(school, seattle and LA will be incredibly soon :))

SUMMER IS GONNA BE ONE TO REMEMBER!

seriously. the one definite thing i need in a guy is a very sarcastic, very witty, very silly and goofy sense of humor. i want my boyfriend to think i'm sane even when i come up with weird shit. and the only reason he would think i'm sane is because he's just as insane as i am to know any better.