‎"I thought I understood it, but I didn’t… Not really. I knew the smudgeness of it, the eagerness of it, the idea of it; of a 'you and me.' But it's hard to keep stopping and starting."

i seriously just wanna break down. like last night when we were at the bar i just wanted to cry, i felt the tears building up and just all night i wanted to break down. i hid it so well but i'm surprised you couldn't tell. i held my composure when you told the bartender that i didn't care that you were leaving and when she left, i hit your shoulder and yelled, 'i care!' you just gave me this look like 'yah, right, ohhhkay...' like you really think i don't? what the hell is wrong with you?! out of anyone i probably care the most and you don't even realize. you're just so oblivious to the fact that i care soo much..too much and i just wanna cry. and i wanna be strong for you while you're away but it's just so hard. i just have this feeling in the pit of my aching stomach that i'm gunna let myself go when you leave, like i've been drinking and taking those pills more usual and that's why i have so much anxiety. i drink because i'm sad and i'm sad because of you. it gets to me and brings to me to tears thinking of what could happen in the matter of now and then. five years is a long time chris, i mean a lot can happen in five years. will i be married? will i have children or will i wait for you? i just can't imagine being with anyone else, i can't imagine spending the rest of my life living with someone else but you. but i also can't imagine waiting for you chris. i can't wait, i'm sorry. you have no idea how bad i want to. and i'm crying and shaking my head because i want to so bad. i'm just so scared for you. i just don't know what i'll do if anything were to ever happen. i barely eat a meal a day and i'm just always so anxious, tired, sad, and plain dehydrated. i just don't want to eat. i'm starting to get to that point, i just always feel so nauseous and sick to my stomach because of you. i want to tell you all of this and i keep going back and forth whether i should or not. you're just so stressed out and i don't want to put another burden on you. but i will hate myself if i never tell you how i actually feel, and god forbid if anything were to ever happen, i just can't imagine living with that regret, of never being able to tell you...i guess saturday will be my last chance to tell you everything.