Want you.

it’s raining today, the falling water mixed with the summer’s heat feels so strange, like the weather’s just as confused as the rest of us.
autumn is making it’s way in with new company; change. reminding me that it’s time to move on. it’s time to forgive and forget the past. it’s time to take a step forward into my future and finally live my life without you and be ok with it. it’s time for you to set me free and let me live my life for me now. i’ve been fighting myself for 5 years and it brings me to tears but you just don’t make me feel like you used to, i’m not your muse anymore and i’m sick and tired of fooling myself into thinking you’re the one. this isn’t my ego talking, this isn’t my pride running loose; this is humility, this is letting you go. you leaving in 11 days has made a huge impact on my decision. i’m constantly falling for you and you’re constantly leaving. it’s not fair for me. i won’t go through this again, i won’t give you another 5 years. not again. you’re leaving and i’m staying here. simple as that. simple as it always was.
i’m not giving up, my heart beats for love and my heart will continue to beat without you. yeah it may take a hundred years but i won’t settle for anything less than what it’s like in the movies. i’m sorry first love but we can still be friends…i will always love you and no one could ever take your place.
so this part of my life is called ‘split in two’. i know what i need to do on both situations but i’m still torn :(

Little Updates:

lately i have been so obsessed with watching the bees pollinate my garden. i also talk to them so my neighbors probably think i am totally insane…

Either I bring Noah back home or I “fake rescue” a kitten again, just like I did with Noah. I miss him and I want to cuddle my fattie.

On the way home from work tonight dad told me to keep an eye out for when they start selling pumpkins. He wants to get a boat load this year. I told him we have to be festive this year or else our neighbors are going to think we’re weirdos, considering we just moved in. I then told him that I wanted to buy some orange Christmas lights because they look so pretty and keep em on all year round and not just for Halloween.

So I am now on the hunt for pumpkins and orange Christmas lights <3

Dad and I went into the craft store today to look at supplies to make candles. I told him that I decided to make homemade candles and soaps to sell at the Market in Camas<3 He thought it was a pretty cool idea!

Eeep !!

• Lose 10 pounds by Halloween: Walk Perla everyday. Ride your bike. Eat healthier.
• Help dad with hospital bills: Every paycheck give to dad. Save at least some money for yourself.
• Get direct deposit.
• Buy things for fall.
• Rent out herbal books, wiccan books, gardening books, etc.
• Start baking. Just go out and buy the stuff and just do it.
• Start painting again. Make art of any kind at least once a day. Tap back into your creative side.
• Find information about volunteering at the humane shelter.
• More to come...

Love is not a victory march; It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah.

I've had the weekend off and I'm just going to say it wasn't long enough. So since I work at 5:30 today, I decided to wake up early this morning to spend some more time alone. I'm currently drinking herbal life energy tea which I haven't had in quite a while and listening to Will Anderson's cover of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. It's one of my favorite songs and he does possibly the best version of it :) I've decided to get a verse tattooed which is: Love is not a victory march; It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. I love that <3
I haven't been updating about anything lately because I've mostly just been working and nothing in my life is particularly interesting ! Sad but true. I keep telling myself that I want to get out there and enjoy my life but every time I do I lose sleep and I start to look tired and just want to catch up on sleep. Maybe after I get a little more comfortable with working again then I'll start to pick up on my life. As of right now I'm just a little sleepy.
I've decided that I want to lose 10 pounds by Halloween. I want to wear a cute costume this year, but I'm not exactly sure of what yet :) Ugh I'm so damn excited I could burst. I just wish I was paid quite a bit more so that I could start decorating for fall !! And I need to help my dad with my hospital bills. It seems I'm working a lot harder then what I've gotten paid it's starting to bum me out. :( I thought working at Pier 1 was going to be nothing but awesome but every time I go in, I get so damn nervous !! I hate that !! I am grateful that I at least have some income. None at all would be horrible and I would still be praying to have a job so I guess I need to knock it off and be thankful!!
I wish I could just be happy. I've been somewhat sad lately and I'm sick of it. I guess I could blame my laziness and my weight gain is really getting to me. Don't become a victim, if you want something done, go for it. Dont' wait for it to magically appear, JUST DO IT. I think I will get started on a list of everything I want to get done :) xx

Dad and I took on the day! We went to send some money to my dad's cousin and then went and had breakfast at IHop. After, we wanted to go and check out Spirit Halloween but it doesn't open until next month so he went to buy a wheel for a cart at work while I went thrift shopping at Plato's Closet. I got so many cute things! Agh! I love that place! Also, I need to lose 10 pounds so I'm on a mission for real! After that Dad went to buy a pair of pants at Sportsman's Warehouse while I window shopped at Tuesday Morning's and Hallmark! We then headed home and stopped at Lacamas Lake and the Camas produce store to get some fruit: Oranges, Melons, Milk, Eggs, Bread, Mangoes, and Ice cream. <3 Here are a few photos from the Lake!

So tall!

I try to take as many candid photos of my dad!

He loves nature and the water and outdoors so I love this photo so much!

My feet!

I had to stand on my tippy toes and stretch my arms up to the sky to take this shot! Love it!

Fall is creepin in...<3

Wild raspberries!

Dad trimmed the tomatoes because they are taking over, love it! 

I took a photo of the clouds because they looked super cool, almost like UFO's.

Every time I think I got a good shot of her my camera won't take the shot and then when I do finally have the shot..she moves..boo.

..And here she is..trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

..The places you'll go...

I have been eyeing this tree lately and I have been trying to look for the name of it. On the way home from work I saw that the leaves had changed from an orangish color to a yellowish color and it inspired me all over again. It got me thinking about creating a journal of everything that is affecting me both emotionally and visually ‘at the moment’. I post photos of everything that stimulates me on my tumblr, but I want to make it a little more personal for myself. <3 Since I joined tumblr I stopped journaling and I need to get back to basics :)

So I just got off work a few hours ago and realized that I clocked off earlier than what I was suppose to. I thought I was suppose to get off at 5:30 and so I stayed a little later and clocked off at 6:18 and got home and found out I really was suppose to get off at 6:45! AGGGH! I really hope it doesn't become a big deal! Gosh I'm a moron! I am definitely going to have to pay attention more often of the times I work! For shore! Well I got home watered my plants and now I'm watching Knocked Up. Dad's out fishing with Brian and he should be home soon hopefully. I go in for a meeting tomorrow at 7:30 and I will be getting off at 4. LOOONG DAY!
Off to brew some chamomile and call an early night! xx

I was suppose to work my flex today from 1 to 5 but called in and I ended up getting the day off! WOOP! So I decided to run a few errands which included returning some books to the library and going into the bank to get direct deposit :) I opened up new accounts and now all I have to do is call in and see how I can get my money deposited into those accounts! Fun Fun !! I came home and enjoyed the rest of the day with my pup <3 Picked up dad from work and he brought home some fooooodd! Burger and fries, Yum Yum!

...So forever towards dawn we run.

Today was my second day at Pier 1! Sarah, whom I've went to heritage with which is completely awesome, trained Diane and I today.I have to say I'm highly intimidated! I know I have the potential to be a great and sell hard but I just first need to focus on getting to know the product inside and out and where they are in their zones. It's somewhat frustrating at the moment. Agh! The upside: I'm still so blessed to have this opportunity to work in such a fun and inspiring environment. <3
After work I went into Micheal's hoping to find the supplies I needed to start making candles and I was so excited when I found a whole section for candle making! It had literally everything I had been looking for! And the prices really aren't so bad which is incredible! I can't wait for my first paycheck so that I can go crazy! AGH!  :DD!
I came home and decided to take some photos because it was such a beautiful day but I really feel like such a freak for taking pictures of random things in front of my neighbors. I like my privacy, and I don't get that much here :/ le sigghhh...So sorry if my photos are a little mediocre..I tried to take them as fast as I could without looking like a freak with no life...which..I so clearly am.

Yeah, I'm messed up and like to take photos of my pup doing work.

wtf...we have trees as tall as skyscrapers (literally) and the neighbors decided to chop off the tree branches and throw them into wood chippers, it was so loud and annoying and ugly to look at. these trees are so beautiful and add so much character to our neighborhood...why? 

*sniff..sniff*

My garden <3

Mostly perennials... I wish I would have been able to take better photos and actually take a photo of each flower...but the neighbors and my shadows from the sun kept interrupting. :/

This is actually only the left side of the my bush, the right side has different flowers..didn't get to take those photos.

I thought it would be neat to grab some of the rocks from my yard and surround my bush, I've added some sticks to some, and some pine cones in front of others. It looks so much better in person, and I've decided I want to paint them <3 Haven't decided when I'm going into that project yet! Hopefully soon!

I was too lazy to make lunch so I poured a bowl of honey nut cheerios with some fresh cut strawberries !!

I drizzled over some wild flower honey <3

Yum, best lunch!

Waning: Tonight, the moon is a bright cheese ball and hanging low on it's string <3 Love so much, I wish I could take better photos of the moon at night but I can't unfortunately :( This photo would have been amazing if the moon came out more focused and you could see the shadows of the trees !!

My dad found a dinosaur egg! No I'm kidding, it's a rock but it's the exact size and perfectly shaped like an egg. We thought it was so charming that we decided to display it with our candles on our coffee table. <3

so tomorrow is my last day till i start work for good. i'm actually really nervous to go back to work. it's like the first day of school jitters. i want to become great friends with all the lovely ladies that i work with. i just want to be fucking fantastic at my job. i want to get comfortable with our product and sell HARD! agh! i'm just so nervous!
in other news i feel like a slob lately, i've been eating soo much! i definitely need to lose the 10 pounds i've gained haha! woo hoo! yay for appetites! lol! i guess i'm getting to this place in my life where gaining and losing ain't no thang for me anymore! i just want to be happy and healthy! although i am overweight, i will start eating healthy again and get back into the swing of things! i'm not losing my cool over this weight thing anymore :) this is my life and if anyone has a problem with the way i look or my weight then that is their own issue....

My little sleepy pumpkin!

I'm so over it! Like seriously over it! You're so annoying, you degrade woman and you've got me believing that I'm not perfect enough...for anyone. I've lost all self esteem because of you. Because you dated her and she's beautiful and petite and skinny and tiny and everything I wish I could be but I'm not. But you better believe when you come back I'm going to be transformed into a beautiful butterfly and you're going to wish you had fought harder to keep me.

Now here's an apple with a tougher skin. While you've got your pretty scales and fins you say, "See all the things that I can do?" So perfectly my body grew but in all the time you felt so free, did you forget how much you once loved me?

Tunes:

Bon Iver | I Can't Make You Love Me

Everclear | Santa Monica

Duran Duran | Come Undone

Weezer | Pork and Beans

Lilly Allen | The Fear

"When you find balance and inner peace the universe and elements will follow." -Me

Yumm lunch!

Begging as usual <3

The best I could get of the Full Corn Moon tonight <3

Do You Ever give CHEERS to those you love?

This question really got me thinking, along with a recent spat my father and I had; that I don't give enough praise to my wonderful father. And it really got me thinking as to why? Why don't I let my dad know how much I appreciate him, how much I look up to him, how much I want to make him proud? I guess when it comes down to it: Nothing. Nothing is stopping me from telling him how much I love him, but I still don't know why I don't. It really feels alien to me to let my father know these things. I think that's a major priority that I need to work on.
Also, since I'm a firm believer on actions speak louder then words. I must not just let my father know but also show him. From here on out; I will pick up after myself, get busy into hobbies, work hard to help make money, save money for going back to school, and make things for him and our home. My dad is a prime example of someone who works hard for what he has and if I become even half of what my father is, then I know I'm well on my way to making my dad proud. <3

xx

I’m starting to be ok with so many things, honestly letting go has never felt so freeing. I still have so much more to discover in life and I’m done setting goals to reach a particular finish line. <3

Freedom Lights the way

As I was lighting these the Star Spangled Banner was playing on the radio in honor of the 30 people killed in the helicopter crash in Afghanistan; 25 of them belonging to the same elite unit as the Navy SEALs who killed former Al Qaeda leader Usama bin Laden, U.S. It was also alarming that the matches I lit them with read, "Freedom Lights the way." It's without a doubt that the universe was throwing me a little sign to honor these heroes in silence.

I can't help but feel greatly affected by this tragedy. My heart goes out to their families.

On another note: I know Chris will be leaving soon, next month I believe, and stories like these just give me more and more anxiety. I just pray that God keeps him safe. He knows how much I care for this boy and I just want him to be happy and healthy and safe.

Like A Complete Unknown

Hello Friday!
It's sooo nice out today and I thought I'd put on the stereo and make it a deep cleaning day! Ugh My house is complete filth! Well mostly my room and bathroom but I can't stand it anymore, I don't spend much time upstairs because of the energy of just filth. I hate that. So I'm gunna light some candles, play some baby tunes and clean clean clean :) I wanna do something outside as well today too because it's so beautiful so I have to figure something out ! I might go and get my things from Danielle's tonight too, not sure. It's going to be a relaxing day I can feel it <3
xx


P.s. Tomorrow's a full moon! I'm definitely going for a late night walk, hopefully I can find some bats !!

Dad and I found out there is a farmers market in town every Wednesday. So we stopped and walked through with Perla. We also got some goodies: strawberries, romaine lettuce, apples, peaches, and wildflower honey. We got home, watched Gnomeo and Juliette and ate some of our fruit. Towards the end of the night Dad planted our lettuce and cut the cilantro out of our garden while I played with the praying mantis I found in my flower garden <3 Amazy crazy day!

Now I'm currently watching criminal minds. Can I just find an honest intelligent man like Dr. Reid