Random Ramblings

In the grand scheme of things I think big, but I usually act very small. I believe I have great potential but have rarely ever acted upon it, probably never will. When I was younger, I think I was always a serious kid. In a lot of my pictures, I don't have a lot where I'm smiling. I think deep down inside I was more of a, I don't know, thinker I guess. I think I was always funny though. I had a very weird sense of humor I guess. I remember being sarcastic, just a weirdo. My whole family is like that though, my whole family is really funny. They make weird sarcastic jokes. I remember when I was younger my cousin said I would be a good voice animator for voices, voice animator because I could impersonate a lot of the voices from cartoons, like the ogar from Shrek. I took really big pride in that even though I never said anything. I was just like, Wow Really? But I don't know. I always thought my life would have more meaning by now. I always wanted to be an actor or something really dramatic. I guess I'm a product of basic math, simple math. Both my parents are manic. Which I guess in a sense are positives, and in math two positives equal a negative. I don't know, I can only hope that my partner, or whoever I decide to be with in the end is a positive or something. I'd rather have my seed coming out a positive baby rather than a negative. I'd much rather have my child experience extreme highs instead of extremes lows all the time. I don't know, I wasted a lot of my youth I guess because of it. I always had a sense that I was capable of a lot of things but I'm too lazy to act upon them. A lot of fucked up things too. I don't know, my mind is always going and racing and running round but my body is solid, completely frozen stiff. I don't know how to move it. I guess when I was younger I was wild and untamed. I wore myself out by the age of 21. Sighing. I wouldn't take anything back though. Everything I've ever did, I've wanted to do. I really admire the person I was when I was a teenager. I had so much guts, so much balls. I wasn't scared of anything. I just did it. Scared the shit out of a lot people to though, with a lot of the choices I made. I feel bad about that. But I don't regret em. I don't know, I'd give everything to go back I guess. Start all over again, been thinking about that a lot lately. Starting all over. I think I'm just at a point in my life where I'm at a stand still I guess. Scares me. A lot of things scare me now. I guess that's the one thing that I really miss, not being scared. I wish I wasn't scared anymore. I don't know how to get back to that. Who I was. I think I grew up too fast you know. Seen a lot of things, did a lot of things, experienced so much. I don't know though, there is still so much I wanna experience. So much out there I don't know. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get out of the house, I couldn't wait to do something, anything. Go anywhere. Be anyone who I wanted to be. Now I'm afraid to step out my front door without thinking that someone is judging me. I hate that. I hate judgment. I'm very hypocritical though. I'm very critical myself. I wish I was more like my dad. You know. He's always moving, always going. Doing so much stuff. Ready to tackle anything. He has a lot on his plate. Puts it all there himself. Takes charge. I wish I was just something he could be proud of. I wish I was something I could be proud of. I don't know, I just feel like I've lost so much time. I feel like I've wasted the past four years of my life doing nothing. Floating, drifting. I worry a lot about my weight though. I don't know I guess I can't remember a time when I didn't. I think it holds me back from a lot of things that I wanna do with my life. I blame society for that. I guess at the end of the day I can change it but again I never really do. I have a problem with food. I like it to much. It's comfort for me. I wish I could change that though. I wish I didn't have to rely on food for comfort. That's my new project.