I guess I don't really have anything to say tonight, just gunna ramble on little about my thoughts.

I'm currently obsessing with a new boy. Robert Sheehan from misfits haha! I've more then likely just fallen in love with his character more so then him. That's one thing I've discovered recently is that when I become obsessed with a celebrity it always starts with how well they play a certain character. I've also come to the conclusion that Sheehan is my new favorite actor. So versatile it's amazing!! I only wish to be as great as him someday. Plus he's a fucking stud so that helps too!

I went out and applied at a couple places yesterday: JC Penney and TJ MAXX. I'm really hoping one of them calls me back because I desperately need a job and when I say desperately, I actually mean that my dad is on my fucking ass about it now. But honestly, I also wouldn't mind working at either one of those places. I also got applications for Bath & Body, Glenwood, and Catherines which is a clothing store for plus size woman. Yup. Like I said I'm desperate.

Last but not least, a few things I would like to become involved in:
Volunteer at the animal and homeless shelter; spanish, ballet, zumba, dance, theatre, yoga, pilates, kick boxing, and boxing classes; hiking, soccer, softball; painting more, journal more..there's probably more that I can't think of right now but I will come back to it later.

I'm 21 years old with nothing really to show for. California born, Vancouver-raised, Alabama memories. A boy in New York currently has my heart. I don't know what life has in store for me but I'll be 22 in August and I'm hoping it's something spectacular.

Cause I'd say baby, "I'm trying to make you my main damey. For the rest of the night, girl you sexy and tight."

Currently: I'm sitting here bringing some memories back and listening to some Tech N9ne; texting Amber and Sweet Lou, it's sunny outside, cool inside and I have to pee, like bad. Amber and I are discussing the situation about me and Nathan. I guess Josh Emerson told Jake Tauscher that I had sex with Nathan, so Jake told Amber and Jacob. It's all a big mess because no one wants to confess the situation. It's fucking retarded and now I'm supposed to let it go? Fuck that! Lou and I are planning to go out tomorrow night! I'm really pumped about that! I've been madly looking for a job and it's shitty out there! I'm trying to lose weight which is just as maddening and I have no social life at the moment so I've been dying to go out. Mommy needs a drink.Just got up to pee pee. Feel a lot better now.
So I really wanna call Nathan and talk to him about this whole situation. Then another part of me wants to just say fuck it all together. I mean we both know the truth and that's that. I mean let everyone think whatever the fuck they wanna think. If they wanna believe I fucked Nathan then fuck it. Let them think I'm a damn slut if they want. Joshes opinion doesn't count partly because he's such a fucking tool. And Jake fucked me over in the past, and he ended up having no substance anyway. Boring prick. My dick's bigger then yours. They're both dead to me.
End of rant.

So listening to Tech is bringing back sooo many memories. Not gunna lie, every time I listen to him I become this destructive little cunt. I wanna go back to my blurry days. (Which is why I took a Vic earlier.) It makes me miss all the people I used to party and do drugs with. It reminds me so much of Blair and I miss him beyond extent. It's also reminding me of Trevor for some reason too. I have no idea why, because I don't ever recall listening to Tech together. But I really miss him a lot, like to the point where I wanna talk to him and hang out and hug and kiss him. I mean I go back between him and Chris and I'm surprisingly missing Trevor more. It's so weird. Danny was right, now that I've gotten over Chris, and had a somewhat emotional relationship with Trevor, it will now always be him. I'm latched on. Or..maybe I'm just fucking bored. Since I've been so self destructive lately, maybe subconsciously I wanna get back with Trevor because he had this way of making me feel both beautiful and wanted, and then turn around and make me feel like complete shit. I guess it also has to do with the fact that he was the first guy I fought for since Chris. I miss fighting with him and then fighting for him. Plus, he was damn hot. I don't know, I guess I'll give it a couple days or weeks or whatever..see how I feel then..

Well it's nice out, so I'm thinking about doing some cleaning and taking P dawg for a nice little walk :)

xx Ciao!

Books and Authors:

The Pursuit of Love

or Love In A Cold Climate

by Nancy Mitford

Up In The Old Hotel

by Joseph Mitchell

Mapp and Lucia

by E.F. Benson

Cold Comfort Farm

by Stella Gibbons

Artists:

Saul Steinberg

Paul Rand

Stuart Davis

William Steig

Movies:

Mon Oncle

or Play Time

by Jacques Tati

Sullivan's Travels

by Preston Sturges

The Producers

by Mel Brooks

Best In Show

by Christopher Guest

Nights Of Cabiria

or Juliet Of The Spirits

directed by Federico Fellini

North By Northwest

or Vertigo

directed by Alfred Hitchcock

From the book: all the wrong people have self-esteem by laurie rosenwald

The youth is starting to change. Are you starting to change?

Just got done watching The Kids Are All Right. Suuuch an awkward movie to watch with my dad. HA! 

So I think I'm going to Payless tomorrow to check up on my application. I have still not found any luck in looking for a job yet. I might go to Green Meadows as well to see if they're hiring for house maids. I'm starting to get a little ancy lately with not having anything to do. I sit in the house all fucking day reading or on Tumblr or on the computer watching a movie or some stupid pointless useless shit. Well reading I enjoy but being on the computer is really getting fucking old. I need a job so bad, I'm so money hungry it's insane. Also I need to get more active if I'm gunna get to my goal weight by the end of Summer. I wanna be 99-100 pounds. I know I can do it if I keep at the pace I've been going. Except I could possibly knock of a few things here or there. I need to stay focused on my goal and keep myself motivated. I'm gunna do this. :) Anyways off to check my email, read a little and then sleep. Night!

xx

Movies I love, Movies To Buy

The Usual Suspects
Eagle vs Shark
SLC Punk
Snow White
Jennifer's Body
Black Snake Moan
Blow
All Halloween's
Resident Evil Afterlife
Ginger Snaps
Gia
Wedding Crashers
Sharing The Secret
Yes Man
Carrie
The Royal Tenenbaums
Alice In Wonderland
Wayne's World
Shaun Of The Dead
Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Ratatoulle
The Breakfast Club
Sixteen Candles
Elf
Fight Club
The Notebook
Aladdin
Hercules
Grindhouse Deathproof
Waiting
Amittyville Horror
The Big Lebowski
The Craft
Scary Movie's
Practical Magic
Eternal Sunshine
Beetlejuice
Due Date
The Hangover
Zombieland
Blue Valentine
Scott Pilgrim
Uptown Girls
It
Corpse Bride
Virgin Suicides
Pulp Fiction
Step Brothers
GI Jane
Home Alone movies
Tarzan
500 Days Of Summer
Across The Universe
Dazed And Confused
Grind
Super Troopers
Grandma's House
Pretty In Pink
Beerfest
Bring It On
Scream Movies
Lemony Snickets
Half Nelson
Thirteen
Willy Wonka
Jack
Matilda
Fear And Loathing
Hocus Pocus
Lost Boys The Karate Kid
Edward Scissor Hands
Gia
Girl, Interrupted
Rocky Horror Picture Show
Stay
The Shining
Virgin Suicides
Jay And Silent Bob
Recommended Movies:
Gone With The Wind
Whip It
Fame
Heathers
Lymelife
200 Cigs
Almost Famous
Crybaby
Elizabeth Town
Empire Records
Garden State
Ghost World
Gummo
Hard Candy
Hedwig And The Angry Inch
Party Monster
Rushmore
Sid And Nancy
Spun
V For Vendetta
Winter Passing
Yellow Submarine
Marie Antoinette
Stoned
Amelie
Me Without You
Me Without Me
Cry Baby
Detroit Rock City
The Way It Was
Factory Girl
Go Ask Alice
The Hunger
Less Then Zero
Rock And Roll High School
The Professional
Breakfast At Tiffany's
The Doors
The Doom Generation
Valley Of The Dolls
Foxes
Pumpkin Head
Prozac Nation
Televisions Series I Love, Need To Buy
The Vampire Diaries
Skins
My Life As Liz
The 70's Show
The Kardashians
The Tyra Show
Tori & Dean
Mad Men
Weeds

Believe.

Sun Grazers.

Random Ramblings

In the grand scheme of things I think big, but I usually act very small. I believe I have great potential but have rarely ever acted upon it, probably never will. When I was younger, I think I was always a serious kid. In a lot of my pictures, I don't have a lot where I'm smiling. I think deep down inside I was more of a, I don't know, thinker I guess. I think I was always funny though. I had a very weird sense of humor I guess. I remember being sarcastic, just a weirdo. My whole family is like that though, my whole family is really funny. They make weird sarcastic jokes. I remember when I was younger my cousin said I would be a good voice animator for voices, voice animator because I could impersonate a lot of the voices from cartoons, like the ogar from Shrek. I took really big pride in that even though I never said anything. I was just like, Wow Really? But I don't know. I always thought my life would have more meaning by now. I always wanted to be an actor or something really dramatic. I guess I'm a product of basic math, simple math. Both my parents are manic. Which I guess in a sense are positives, and in math two positives equal a negative. I don't know, I can only hope that my partner, or whoever I decide to be with in the end is a positive or something. I'd rather have my seed coming out a positive baby rather than a negative. I'd much rather have my child experience extreme highs instead of extremes lows all the time. I don't know, I wasted a lot of my youth I guess because of it. I always had a sense that I was capable of a lot of things but I'm too lazy to act upon them. A lot of fucked up things too. I don't know, my mind is always going and racing and running round but my body is solid, completely frozen stiff. I don't know how to move it. I guess when I was younger I was wild and untamed. I wore myself out by the age of 21. Sighing. I wouldn't take anything back though. Everything I've ever did, I've wanted to do. I really admire the person I was when I was a teenager. I had so much guts, so much balls. I wasn't scared of anything. I just did it. Scared the shit out of a lot people to though, with a lot of the choices I made. I feel bad about that. But I don't regret em. I don't know, I'd give everything to go back I guess. Start all over again, been thinking about that a lot lately. Starting all over. I think I'm just at a point in my life where I'm at a stand still I guess. Scares me. A lot of things scare me now. I guess that's the one thing that I really miss, not being scared. I wish I wasn't scared anymore. I don't know how to get back to that. Who I was. I think I grew up too fast you know. Seen a lot of things, did a lot of things, experienced so much. I don't know though, there is still so much I wanna experience. So much out there I don't know. When I was younger I couldn't wait to get out of the house, I couldn't wait to do something, anything. Go anywhere. Be anyone who I wanted to be. Now I'm afraid to step out my front door without thinking that someone is judging me. I hate that. I hate judgment. I'm very hypocritical though. I'm very critical myself. I wish I was more like my dad. You know. He's always moving, always going. Doing so much stuff. Ready to tackle anything. He has a lot on his plate. Puts it all there himself. Takes charge. I wish I was just something he could be proud of. I wish I was something I could be proud of. I don't know, I just feel like I've lost so much time. I feel like I've wasted the past four years of my life doing nothing. Floating, drifting. I worry a lot about my weight though. I don't know I guess I can't remember a time when I didn't. I think it holds me back from a lot of things that I wanna do with my life. I blame society for that. I guess at the end of the day I can change it but again I never really do. I have a problem with food. I like it to much. It's comfort for me. I wish I could change that though. I wish I didn't have to rely on food for comfort. That's my new project.

Ikea chillin.

Special moments.

Everyday.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps, sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.

sup fool!
it's about 1 in the morn and my dad and i are sitting here watching tom and jerry episodes on dvd. we're obsessed lol we got the book of eli and some mel gibson movie that ended up actually being really good but kind of long. i wanna cut my hair like the daughter in this movie. anyways it's been about a couple weeks since we first moved in and i'm really happy, although it's almost shark week so i've been feeling super tired and fat and completely fucking useless. dad bought me some water pills so i'm hoping this bloat mess goes away soon. we get are brand spankin new fridge tomorrow and i'm actually super excited considering there hasn't been any real food in the house since we've moved in. dad also got the day off tomorrow so we're marking tomorrow job hunting. i guess he wants to get a new job where he doesn't have to manage anymore, he's tired, and i don't blame him. but he's a cancer and he's always back and forth with things sometimes so we'll see. i applied for target and qfc today so i felt somewhat accomplished. i'm also turning in an application to tj maxx tomorrow. so cross my fingers and pray i get a god damn interview because i need a fuggginnn jobb man!!! tomorrow sweet lou is having a party at his cousins house, just like old times. i really wanna go but we'll see how my mood is tomorrow, i better go because they had to put chevy down today and i know he's super upset and needs a pal. miss you chev <3 chris has been texting but i haven't text back. my mind has been back and forth with this whole mess, and i'm just lisening to my head at the moment. my heart as a tendency to get me into trouble.
i've been watching a lot of movies and weeds episodes since i've moved in considering we don't have cable and acting has been on my mind so much lately. i've just keep realizing that this is what i WANT to do. and nothing is gunna stop me from getting there.
plan: 1 get job 2 goal weight 3 save money 4 go to acting school 5 audition for roles
i know this is gunna be a lot harder then it sounds but this is just the basics and i need to stay committed and focused if this is what i wanna do in life. fuck boys, fuck partying, STAY FOCUSED FOR NOW. I can't give up on this. I mean it's already fucking june and i haven't done anything toward accomplishing my goals and i feel like such a massive failure right now. i need SOMETHING to lift me back up and help me realize that i'm useful. i need purpose. i need passion. i need a savior.

p.s. i had a dream last night that i got a role in weeds and got to hang out with hunter outside of filming. all my friends from california came up and we all went out to a bar and partied and they got to meet him, it was awesome! <3 i'm actually hoping this is some kind of premonition because i've been dying to be on that show, even just for a couple episodes like marykate.