Getting to know someone shouldn't be so god damn frustrating!!

Bianca, u inspire me so much, u might of not been aware of it, but in my eye, ur like a cancer surviver, your like an astronaut whos has gone miles and miles away to find yourself. you've hit bottom but got back on your feet. you are a incredible woman! woman bianca, your 21 now. just take a min and relize of how much... u have grown from when you were 12 till now, just look at it. your Extraordinary in every way possible! your different from all the other girls. just look at your picture for example. that looks fucking amazing. your the meaning of life. you have gone threw it all. you've been lost, broken,desperate,lonely.... but u know who you are. and i, your father your whole world have noticed how much u have grown as a person! were all proud of you! now its just time to rise. & i will let no one get in ur way.

I will always love you bianca,
~ Omar Canseco

Yep, this would be from my baby cousin <3 It's Thanksgiving and I woke up to this message! I'm so incredibly and utterly thankful to have him in my life :) Everyone may say that he's irresponsible, but at least he's trying and genuinely gives a shit! I love you Omar, I know you're still going through your hard time, we've all been there before, being a teen is rough. Let me tell you! But let me also tell you that it DOES AND WILL get better :) Keep your chin up, kid & always stay gold <3 <3 <3

"Don't be too hard on yourself. You've been working your butt off in school. I'm very proud of you. I just want you to be OK, don't let this get you down. You'll get it done next time. Love you kid. Don't worry, you'll be fine. This is just a little bump."

I only have about 3 more weeks left of school and it's safe to say this is my hardest quarter. All I'm trying to do is make my dad proud so I'm definitely going to finish it off with a bang. I've been slack'n a lot lately and I need knock my shit of for real. I need to work harder and I need to quit being so fuck'n lazy.

Most amazing smells:

coffee in the morning, clothes warm out of the dryer, the beginning of fall and summer, christmas, my babe's cologne, the smell of it after a rain/thunderstorm, my dog's paws, morning dew, camp fire, bbq's, fresh baked cookies, pies, fresh baked anything.

My heart is aching I can barely wait.

I get to see the most amazing boy ever today :D!!!!! It's been too long..but I swear I'm gunna pounce on him and kiss him all over.

We both know the odds are set against us right now..but I'm just relieved to know that you're in it no matter what. :) It's a tough situation, I've never been through this before, so it's just making me realize what I'm willing to work for.

"I'm not going anywhere baby :) You're worth anything too, even the time it takes to wait for you."

3 more weeks....

So I've got a very big decision and it ain't gunna be easy.

Lately, shit's just been hitting the fan left and right and I'm about to seriously go ape shit and kill little animals...But really though, I think I'm going to put college on hold and get a job or two. My dad's been a real prick lately and I know it's just because he's just really stressed out, with the house, with doctor bills, and all the other fuck'n expenses that just seem to be piling up around here. As much as I want to continue going to college, I know that I can't; it's just another expense that we honestly don't need right now. I want to be able to enjoy college and actually learn something, but I can't learn shit when I'm constantly stressed about never having any money to help out my dad. When my dad's stressed about money, then I'm stressed about money. It's honestly a never ending cycle and I'm just about close to being at my breaking point. I can only take on so much, I can only be so perfect before I start fucking up. As much as I try, it's really never good enough...I know what I need to do to fix the problem and I'm not asking for permission.

Dear College,

I've bout had enough you dumb bitch.

So you can go and die now.

Well I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate if I thought it would help you get away. I'd hope that you would do this for me.

Packing, packing, packing.

I'm so ready to move on and get the fuck outta here. It's definitely time to 'strike another match, go start a new.' It may be a little bit of a drive to come back and hang out with friends and family and yeah it may get old, but at least I'll have my own home to come back to :) I'm more then excited to say the least. I'll admit school could go smoother, my health could stop being a bitch, and I could stop being a stressed out mess; but other then that, everything is in it's place. I'm really enjoying life <3

Going off to pack some more and listening to Brand New for the rest of the night. It's been that kind of day...Still debating on whether I wanna go to accounting class tomorrow...I probably should just take another day off, even though I know I shouldn't...blah blah blah....

xx

November 15th, 2010

All these blessing comes with so much pain. I guess you can't have one with out the other. It's just I haven't been on my ball game, and my head just isn't where it needs to be right now. I'm trying, but I just keep messing up. I have so much on my mind, and too be honest I'm thankful and happy that I actually have something to live and be thankful for. I guess all I need to learn now is how to juggle everything, I'm done with constantly messing up....It's getting old.

Vicoden,

Go down good and take away the pain.

God bless druuugs!

Wink, Wink!

Over 300 dollars and an hour and half later..she’ll be okay. The Dr. gave her a blood test to check for underlying diseases, and nothing. She had more then likely gotten into shit she wasn’t suppose to get into, seeing as she loves to eat fish hooks and get salmonella poisoning from eating fish bones…What a slob. Now every time I go to Danny’s, I have to keep a close eye on her so that she doesn’t get into trouble again.

Anti acids, antibiotics, and a bland diet for the next couple days…I’m hoping my little pumpkin starts feeling better quick..

All I know, is that I’m making a promise to myself and her that I’m going to start taking a lot better care of her. She deserves that.

There is always something bittersweet about undeserved miracles ♥

Taking my bee bee to the vet today, she’s been super sick lately..I’m really hoping she’s okay. For the majority of her life, she’s always been sick, but she’s always been a fighter. But now she’s getting old, and I honestly don’t know how much longer she’ll have. I usually don’t cry about things, but when it comes to her, I’ve been crying all morning. I’ve had her for literally half my life and I’m not ready for her to be gone yet. And I’ll always have this great feeling of remorse because I know I could have treated her soo much better.

I’m praying for another miracle, even though I don’t deserve one.

November 11th, 2010

I feel bloated, fat and oober gross. I feel nauseous, I don't know if it's cos I had a shitload of candy this morning, if I'm going to start my period, if I'm just stressed, if I'm about to have a gallstone attack, if it's because the anni of Tony's death, or maybe even a combination of all five. Either way my body needs to cut the crap because I'm going out tonight!

November 10th, 2010

These butterflies are getting the best of me..deep breaths..deep breaths :)
Posted by WildAndAlive at 8:04 PM

November 10th, 2010

I sometimes don't think before I talk. When it comes to matters of the heart, I will have so much to say, but never the right words to say them. I'm frantic, impulsive, and arrogant..VERY ARROGANT. Gullible at times; naive. Hard headed, and I like to run..away..A LOT. Loving a soul like mine will be hard. KEYWORD: Will. But you're a fool if you don't try.

Me: Get out of my purse!

Dad: Why, do you have cigarettes in there!?

Me: I got drugs in there, lots and lots of drugs!

November 9th, 2010

Every time I think about you on top of me, kissing my neck or just kissing me in general I get mass amounts of butterflies. But no, these aren't the school girl butterflies, that tickle and go away after five seconds..They're the kind that burn for several minutes as I think about you making me incredibly hot. You've really done it, man. I haven't felt this way..in a while. I'm starting to lose control with you and to be honest, I really don't give a flying fuck.