Addictions have not made me stronger.

I made a huge confession to one of my bf's last night and he started crying and I was crying and it was just one giant mess. I told him I was going to try to get better but that it's become very hard at this point. He said he believed in me and was trying to understand where I was coming from, not what he assumed it was and I really appreciated him for that. I'll admit I was pretty fucked up when I got home, I was way too drunk and frying. I took a shower and tried to lay down and go to bed but I needed to pee so I went to the rest room and then all of a sudden things didn't seem normal and I knew something bad was gunna happen. It was like I could see my brain, like all the lines inside of a brain, I could see all of mine. So I got up and everything went black and I passed out, and then I just remember saying "wake up, ok, don't die." And so I tried to stand up but I couldn't, literally every time I stood up I passed out cold. I remember waking up on my bathroom floor and saying, "no, you're not gunna die like this! get up!! And I remember thinking to myself 'I cant go back to the hospital for this shit again, my dad is going to be so pissed!' I came too and I don't know how my lights in my bathroom turned off or how the bathroom door opened but all I remember is seeing Perla and she was frantic in front of me while I crawled to her and she started licking my face. And I just remember thinking I can't die, she needs me. So then I woke up Eder and his gf and they watched me for a little before I went to sleep, I just remember them asking me what I took and I kept trying not to fall asleep in case I hit my head. I finally told them I was gunna go lay down and I told them to check on me and make sure I don't die. I just have never passed out before, it's like everything literally goes black. All I remember is the noise my body made as it hit the floor it was like hearing a gun shot and now I have bruises on my cheekbone and scratches and bruises all over my body and I keep finding new scratches and bruises every time I stand up or lay down. Now, I really can't decide if I was like passing out for real or my body was dying or some shit, it was one of the scariest nights of my life.