There is a difference in acting or becoming a different character, over fitting into some sort of mold or into someone you're not. Acting is fake, it's momentary. You're only that character when you need to be. But when it comes down to actually changing who you are to make a living, you know you've made a wrong turn somewhere and you need to fix that. Society is sneaky and fucked up in that way. You gotta watch out, try not to lose yourself.

Rap Shit

You don't think about the people who won't be there when you make it. And you cry every night about it, because you made it, and they hate it, or they've gone to a better place and you can't take it. You thought they were invincible, you said, forever, till the end. But no one ever reminds you that forever doesn't last And you wish that you could change the past.
So I just hope that when we get there, we all look back and laugh, about the shit we used to talk about, the shit that made us cry. The shit that made us wanna push ourselves to have better lives. We said it's for our families, the guys' that we would chase, and the people's lives that we could change. But who ever thought it'd be about drunk nights and fuckin fame. But it just goes with the game, you either sink or you swim, but we're on the same team so we're gunna fuckin win, yeah, we made it.

Late nights lead into early mornings leading into more late nights...

He loves me, He loves me not.

Amused...not quite.

Vanilla latte with soy..the only think keeping me sane at work :|

Birdie.

Off to work :) Need caffeine!!

Backwards, forwards, up and down, he is hiding all around.

"People will continue to break hearts and wreak havoc on others' lives because that's just who they are. And you will continue to let these people come into your life because that's who you are. Or you can choose to man up, stand firm, and roll on and not let these assholes tear you down. And when you finally stand up for yourself you'll wonder where all this courage and admiring strength came from, you'll say it was because you got sick and tired of taking peoples bullshit. I say, it was there all along. It is who you ARE." - Me

Slept like real shit last night. Had a couple of weird dreams about nick huss, jeremy, and ray jay :| Off to work from 8:30 to 12:30 and then possibly a flex at my other job from 1 to 5..feeling anxious, excited, weak, hungry, ambitious, tired..i’m broke as hell but i’m possibly getting a new phone soon which is good because i’m bored of mine already..xx

I live in Vancouver for now.

A brown eyed boy, with a London accent, and an adorable smile is currently pulling my heart strings.
If my best friend woke up as a dude, tomorrow, I'd marry him.
Sometimes I talk in circles that make perfect sense, it just takes a special kind of person to get that.

And I will die alone, and be left there. Well I guess I'll just go home or God knows where.

I had a feeling that I needed to let something go, so I drove and I drove on roads I've never been on, and they were dark and windy and relentless. I'll admit I was a little intimidated, my back felt tight and I couldn't relax. There was no peace in my mind. I was trying to find something to run to, anything to help me feel more at ease. I just feel like it's all building up. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong, like I knew something needed to come out, like tears or something, but I didn't know what I needed to cry for. And it's just weird to be confused about emotions because I'm usually pretty spot on with what's going on. Like I tried crying about Chris and that wasn't it. I think I just am tired of feeling trapped. I think that's really it because the more I drove the more I wanted to leave and not come back, and I just wanted to be alone, and so I cried because I felt this pull that I didn't like. And I cried because I was finally alone, and I cried because the moon was chasing after me, and I saw a little white bunny and 4 deer and I cried because of that; because they were free and beautiful, and they served god and lived off of the land and their own instincts. I am just starting to get very impatient, I wanna see results before the act. I just finally know what I want in life, I know like I know the sun rises every morning. It just all hit me tonight. This is what I want so bad.
I'm now so exhausted so I'm going to try and get some rest. I have a flex tomorrow, we'll see. If not Birdie and I are going to Portland..good night.
xx

You think you know but you have no idea.

Debating on grabbing my pup and hopping into my car and going for a nice long drive on some back roads, smoking, and blasting some tunes. I’m a little heartbroken tonight, my eyes are watery for reasons I can’t understand or make words for; I wish it didn’t have to be this way, I’m so sorry for being terribly impatient.

I just need to get away.

You know when you're so exhausted to the point where you can't find sleep? When you're so mentally fucked that you end up nodding off past 8am? This was my night. I'm in this delirium state; partly because I haven't worked in four days, partly because I haven't eaten, partly because I'm in love, and lastly because I'm so dream driven. Every move I make feels sensitive and enhanced, but still no words could describe the way I feel. This is mania and euphoria at its finest folks, and with that being said, I will admit everything has never seemed so god damn beautiful.

Running out to buy a pack of smokes, make some tea, and chill out for the rest of the night...

I miss you & I've never even met you.

come home.

I'm guessing this is growing up.

I'm currently listening to The Used and nostalgia is starting to kick in. I miss my old home, and my old room, and the old me. I miss being impulsive, and the energy, and the lust for life. I just need to work on this because I've noticed that I'm so fickle when it comes to this matter. Don't get me wrong, I love my life but I'm being held accountable for so many things now a days and I guess that sucks. I've never been one for responsibilities and I've never been one for settling; it's a burden, it's baggage, it's unnecessary bullshit that I could certainly do without. I think that's a big part of the reason why I'm missing that old life I used to lead, because never once did I settle; except for with Chris and that obviously got me nowhere. I think I just need to get away. Birdie and I have made a plan for the next 6 months, and we're getting the hell out of here. I can't live my life in this tiny hole in the wall that I call my home. I wanna start living the life I'm suppose to lead, I just wanna feel homesick. Maybe I'm just ungrateful...
Anyway, I'm taking these next couple of days off to deep clean and rearrange my room, throwing away a lot of shit, I just feel overwhelmed with it all and I can't wait to finally be able to breath again.
I need a smoke, I need tea, I need to spend time with my pup, and I need fresh air. Good night :)

P.s. My Dad and grandmother should be here soon :)

I know it's all a bit late, but here is my calender for the month of October. Busy month indeed..The days are only going to get busier :)

I put a spell on you...

The other night Birdie and I did a little unbinding spell..We didn't really follow the rules, we sort of did our own little ritual. We burned photos, letters, and belongings of our ex lovers. We ended up having to save some of the items for another time as the fire was getting a little bit out of control. :/ Bummer.

11/6/2011 8:07PM

My wittle bundle of joy :)

Just enjoyed a grilled cheese sandwich with V8 vegetable juice,
now I'm watching Coraline by candle light :) Gooood night!!

I fell in love with a guy from my dreams last night...

I was standing there in the middle of the living room, it was Christmas or a family gathering or something. It was a home I've never been in before. I was playing with something in my hand and talking to my cousin Omar and he was introducing me to his new girlfriend, she was blonde and super pretty, and to her brother or I have no idea where he even came from, but he was there, and I wasn't really impressed. Then all of a sudden the song Hurt came on TV and I started laughing, not only because the guy who introduced the song had a fake Irish accent but because the song was a cover from some stupid band. The guy, I never got his name, started laughing too and making fun of the guy with the fake accent, I laughed and realized that he himself was actually Irish. I got nervous. I asked him if he liked Johnny Cash. He said yes and said he was funny and I laughed not really understanding what he meant. I was still playing with something in my hand and he was staring at me for a while, then he leaned in and kissed me. I was so surprised because my whole family was there and I told him this is awkward and he said that it's OK. I sort of looked around the room and saw my family staring. We kissed more and it was getting sort of heavy so I stopped him. He said OK but then had to go, I was pretty smitten. I then went out with Cris and Omar to smoke, and I asked about him and Cris said he reminded him of some guy from Mumford and Son's and Omar said he reminded him of Jason Stathom and I thought of Gerard Butler. Either way, I didn't care, he was the man of my dreams. Literally.

Update:

My name is Bianca. I'm 21 years wild. Leo. Artist. Born in California. Residing in Vancouver.
I have a really normal subdued life. I never leave my house. I play a lot of video games, I read, I garden, I paint. I'm really boring.
My alter ego Beatrice: She's an alcohol drinking, cigarette smoking shit starter.

Happy November 1st!

I woke up at about 7:00 this mornin and I hadn't been up that early in quite a while. Felt so nice. I wanted to take photos of our Halloween/Harvest decorations for Dad to see since he couldn't be here for Halloween. The lights from the owl don't work, so I'm taking it back to my work soon unless I can fix it, so cheap.

Always wanted one of these crashing witches! 

My baby pumpkins! So cute :) p.s. there is a really huge orb on top of the first pumpkin on the left...:|

Goood Mornin!

Here's my new mug I got a few days ago. Drinking some Passion tea and winding down from running all my errands today!! I got my fingerprints and drug test done, and exchanged Perla's witchy costume for a size smaller since it was so huge on her.