glitter on the wet streets, silver over everything.

well i'm just gonna start off by saying that i need to start updating this more often. i always tell myself i'm going to but never get around to it. kinda silly actually, if i think about it. i'm always online so it's like what do i do with my time...beside watch porn :) lol jk
so anyways a lot has gone on in the past month. like A LOT. i don't even really know where to start. let's just say i'm starting a new. turning over a new chapter, leaf, whatever. idk. i think it's just time for that, you know. i've finally realized who my true friends are. like really, you can never know who will have your back no matter what and who will leave you just like that. it's sad that i couldn't tell the difference before, but i've learned now. at least i hope. i'm just gonna stick to my guns this time. this isn't the first time this person has 'sold our friendship'. and like jesse said "if they've done it before what makes you think they won't do it again." he has a good point. i'm just done being used. so i'm moving on. and as much as it kills me to say, what was built in seven years was ripped apart in minutes. i'm just over it. though i would like to say "best friends mean forever, cunt." :)
one thing i would like to say though for all the haters out there, right now i can think of four, is that i don't hate you, nor do i hold a grudge against you because i've learned that talking shit and holding grudges is meaningless and trivial. but most of all very unattractive. you're not cute. i think i'm finally getting good at letting the negative things that people say towards me, slide. that's a quality i can live with. there are so many people out there that judge me and don't like me for whatever reasons. but it just doesn't bother me anymore. i just laugh and pray for them. i mean that's all i can do. all i'm for sure about is that you're closed minded, insecure and bored with what you have, good luck with that :)
i've been a blank mess though. i’ve been forced to choose between expressing my true self and pleasing the other person. i’ve been too busy operating on the expectations of others and going against my nature just to prove myself. it’s time to step back and perhaps reassess what i’m really looking for. i have to ask myself if i always wanna be the one running from myself. maybe i just have to let it go though. when your so focused on living up to everyone's' standards you tend to lose yourself piece by piece. shortly you forget who you were to begin with. you get so lost in everyone else, and all the drama and bullshit that comes along with that package. and when it finally comes down to it, when everyone you were ALWAYS there for leave you, what do you really have? broken pieces. you look in the mirror and ask yourself, "who am i?!" when you can answer that question honestly with and, "i dont know." it becomes real scary. so yes, that's where i'm at, thus being a blank mess.
it seems i've had a lot to think about lately. considering i'm not going to school and i lost my job. all i seem to have time for is to think. which in a way is a good thing. but some days it was quite literally a bad thing. but i've finally decided that i wanna go back to school. get my diploma. yeah it would be nice to have a job and have money for myself and to help dad pay rent among other things, but i'm tired of just working these so-so or dead end jobs. i wanna go back to school and get my diploma so that i can finally do what i wanna do in life. finally look for a job that involves being inspired every day. or maybe even doing something that actually requires neurons. but most of all something that i can call my own and just be happy with. something i can wake up every morning saying, "shit, i love my job." i have so many ideas floating above my head but i just haven't lit that fire under my ass to get goin. they're mostly just sparks, they come and go. i guess what i'm saying is that this life is crazy short and i don't wanna wake up and be like, "where the fuck did all the time go." i always tell my self, "i'll make up for this part of my life." or, "i'll be better when i'm older." but i need to stop resting on my laurels. i need to stop thinking that i'm gonna have time later down the road to finish what i've started, because all i really have is now. i think i'm just done with a lot of bullshit. and one of them is not doing what i want in life. God put us all on this world for a reason, and now i'm just gonna try my very hardest too figure out that reason and what was planned for my life. it takes outer-body experiences sometimes and a couple sacrifices to see things in a new light. we tend to get to comfortable in our routines. fuck yours up a bit and i bet you’d notice a good change in your life
xx